First blog of 2012….wow.

I’d like to say the first blog of the year is going to be one filled with happiness and many light and cheery things…but I would be lying if I said that was this type of blog.

Lately I have been finding that the “I hate people” days are out numbering days were I am just thinking that I only have to deal with the bull shit from work for eight hours and then I’m free.

But after I leave work, I am not free….anymore.

It is like I have no energy or desire to do anything and the moment I punch out it is like I am counting down to “doom” for when I have to be back here.  I am extremely unhappy and the things that use to make me happy no longer work.

So what does this mean and what can I do to change this?

Some would say that since I no longer find something good about my job, I should quit and work elsewhere.  Which I would LOVE to do….believe me….I’d almost kill to get out of this hell, but I can’t.  The state in which I live has a bad economy…much like the majority of the United States.  And the job market here for the positions that I’m qualified for is intense.  Literally, over hundreds of people apply for the same position and even if I am lucky enough to get an interview, I am still not selected.  *big sigh*

The other problem with finding a different job is that I would be starting completely over.  I make more than minimum wage (not by much though) and have a week’s paid vacation at my current employer.  Let’s face it, I never expected to be here for four and a half years (it will be five in June).  This job was great while I was going to school because the hours allowed me to work full-time and go to school full-time.

So after discussing my issue with Sarah, she said that I need to find balance in my life.  I should have more going on in my life than just work.  When I was in school, I had the distraction from work because the moment I set foot on campus, my brain switched gears and I was focused on the classes, professors, etc.  But since I graduated, I don’t have that anymore.

Sure I could go back to school and get another degree.  But there is NO way I could afford more student loans.

Another reason for work being a big energy suck….no overtime!  I am mandated to attend meetings and trainings, but then my schedule is messed with to make sure I don’t get any overtime….not even five minutes.  Which makes it difficult to buy items like food and other daily necessities….like toilet paper, for example.

Normally, I would read, write, watch some of my favorite TV series on DVD to “recharge”.  But those aren’t helping.

It is like I am dead inside and nothing sparks even a glimmer of life.

It doesn’t help that I’m completely frustrated in the relationship realm.

Ever feel like you are constantly reading a shampoo bottle?  You know the directions…lather, rinse, repeat…repeat…repeat.

Well, that is how I feel with B sometimes.

We’ve talked about being more open with each other and trying to make sure that we don’t start the “distancing” thing.  But lately it feels like I’m pulling teeth to get him to open up or just not be so distant.  I’m so fucking tired of being the one to always bring up the “you’re being distant” thing.

And the worse part is that when we are together (physically….as in the same place), there is no distance.

Maybe there is some miscommunication or I am reading (or not reading) into things the way B intends.  Perhaps he is just as frustrated not being geographically close as I am.

But the relationship thing plus the work thing equals one very beyond burnt out me.

I hope your 2012 is starting out better than you had hoped.

Take care.

Christmas and New Year’s is just around the corner and I have yet to be in the holiday “spirit”.

Is it just me or did the gift selections in stores were far weaker than they have been in the past?

I think part of my lack of spirit has to do with the fact that I had to settle for “generic” gifts to give those on my list this year.

Which saddens me greatly.

Normally I take a lot of time and planning when it comes to gift giving.  But this year I planned and had great ideas, but when I went out into the stores, I couldn’t find anything that remotely came close to the gifts I had in mind for my friends and family.  And to top it all off, I spent three times as much on the substandard gifts.  Not because I wanted to make up for the lack of thoughtfulness, but because the stores weren’t giving their usual “it is ten days until Christmas and we want the inventory gone so let’s put everything at 50-75% off” type of sales.

Hell, even the hot chocolate mixes were still $5.00 for a single serving.

Sorry for the tangent.

Another part of my holiday humbug is that for the first time in my thirty-one years of breathing, I’m in a relationship during a “major” holiday….and I can’t spend any of it with B.

Then add in my missing family members that died around the holidays and always having to work….well, you get the idea.

But there is a slight upside to all of this.

For the first time in four years, I will be celebrating Christmas with my family around the actual holiday (I have off the Thursday and Friday before the 24th).

Normally, my family and I would have to settle celebrating Christmas either a month before the actual holiday or three to four months AFTER.

I hope that everyone has a great Holiday Season that is safe, loving, warm and filled with many great and wonderful things.

Take care everyone.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

The more things that happen in my life, the more I wonder about.  And not just in regards to my life but to the way society views things as well.

For example,  it seems (to me at least) as if we are warned by society to always follow our instincts when something doesn’t feel “right” or something trips in our brain saying “danger”.  So, from a young age we are told to trust these feelings when something doesn’t feel right and if we follow our instinct, then we may not get hurt or just might be able to avoid something “bad”.

But what about when our feelings scream “this is a good thing” or “don’t give up on this because it will be great”?

In today’s world it seems that the focus is always on the negative, so when something positive comes along, it is hard to recognize it.

I am guilty of this.

For so many years I’ve dwelt on the idea that getting involved in another relationship would be bad because I would only end up getting hurt in the long run.  And I can see now, that during that time, I wasn’t myself.

Normally, I don’t form of an opinion of someone until after I’ve gotten to know them a little.  The only exceptions to this is when something deep within me screams “shady”.  And even when that feeling makes itself known, I’d still get to know someone so that way I could validate what I was feeling.

So you’re wondering what is the point to this little commentary.

The way I wasn’t myself was because I automatically believed in the shady side of  people and that any guy that would even express the smallest amount of interest was just out for one thing and it wasn’t getting to know me for me.  And during this time, some of the guys that I went to classes with did flirt and then when a thin, big chested girl would walk by, they’d make comments like…”man she’s beautiful! I’d go out with her.”  So that would solidify my negative thoughts.

But in reality,  I’m pretty trusting upon a first meeting.  And I stay trusting until you give me cause to dissolve that bond.

It is only recently that I’m beginning to trust again.  And let me tell you…this is not an easy thing to do.

Sometimes if feels like I’ve been in a coma and have no memory of who I was (let’s face it, I still don’t know who I am) and I’m trying to gleam pieces of Jenn from what others tell me or recall memories of stuff we’ve done.

Sarah blogged recently about how she hopes that members of her family and friends will pursue the passions that God has given them.

Personally, I’d love to do this, but there is one small problem.  I feel that I don’t have anything to be passionate about.  Sure there are things that interest me, but nothing that I’m like a die-hard fan for.  And in part, I think this is why I have such an issue finding a job that I could turn into a career and love doing.  Sometimes I wonder if I am even passionate about anything.  It is like I’m dead inside.  I wonder if that feeling will ever go away.

So lately I have been thinking about my life.  And I have been feeling really worthless.

I mean, I have a bachelor’s degree in political science and a minor in history, both of which are useless when finding a job.  If I wanted to use my minor, the jobs I find are looking for individuals that have a bachelor’s or are history graduate students.  Which I am neither.  I can’t afford to go back to school either which doesn’t help matters.

Then add in the fact that I work forty hours a week and I can’t afford food.

I thought that once people got out into the “real” world, that one would graduate from high school/college, get a job, pay bills, and that same person would be able to support themselves.  In my case, not so much.  I fight so hard to make sure I have money set aside incase I need it and I am struggling so much just to keep my head above water.

Sometimes I wonder how much less I can eat per week to make seventy dollars worth of groceries to last longer than a month.  But that would be pushing things towards the extreme I think.

Then I think about some of my co-workers that are in their early to mid twenties that live with their parents, don’t help with the grocery bill and the only thing they have to worry about is their cell bill.  I can’t tell you how often it pisses me off when those particular people bitch about how they wanted to get this item or that and couldn’t because they didn’t have the fifty dollars for that pair of shoes or something.  At that point I want to smack them.

I guess I just don’t know what I’m suppose to do with my life and it is really bothering me.

This past weekend I went home to visit my family and the feeling of being worthless and purpose-less was just magnified.

My nephew wanted me to bring him back to Michigan with me.  And when I asked him what he’d do while I worked all night, he said “I’d run the hotel”.  That made me smile.  But then that made the thoughts of how I’m the only childless person in my family come flooding into my mind.  Those thoughts cut me so deeply at times that I wonder how I’m even able to function.

Could it be that my purpose in life is to suffer?

Because that feels like the only thing I’m good at…is suffering.

I just wish I could be shown a glimpse of what I’m suppose to do with my life.

Hope everyone has a good week and weekend.

Most of you might remember one of the last times I blogged I had mentioned B and that we were in a long distance relationship.

Well, our weekend together was nice but way too short.  We didn’t do anything wild and crazy but the weekend was just wonderful.

On Saturday morning we were both up early and ended up cuddling on the couch while watching Saturday morning cartoons.  That is just one of my favorite memories of that weekend.  The other involves the activities of Sunday.  We walked around a park that was close to the hotel and then after that we had breakfast at IHOP because B had never been to one before.  Then after breakfast we walked around a community garden for hours.

Now I’m not fond of public displays of affection.  I am a very private person and when I’ve dated someone, I tend to shy away from the p.d.a’s because I feel that should be something between my boyfriend and me….not us and anyone that happens to be looking.  But with B things are different.  I held his hand often if not the entire time we were walking around the community garden and the park.

On the morning that we were both going back to our homes, we both seemed to drag our feet in getting ready to pack up and call the weekend concluded.

We were finished with lunch and standing by our cars and I gave B a hug.  I didn’t want to let go.  I kept trying to think of all the fun we had while on our short weekend get-away but the only thing I could think of was how much I was going to miss him when I was back home.

So let’s jump ahead to the present…or at the very least a few weeks ago.

I was thinking about B and started wondering what it was like to be in love.

I’ve never been in love before and I want to know what are some of the signs that a person is in love.

Why do I want to know such things?

Because I want to know whether or not I am in love.

The sad truth is, there are no signs that can indicate if I’m in love or not.  Richard, a friend of mine, said that if you think about that person all the time and always want to be with them, that is usually a good sign that you are in love.  Even Sarah said that when I talk about B my smile is different.  It isn’t a smile that is forced or just happens, it is a true smile that comes from deep within.

So, I have been thinking about this a lot and I think that I could be falling in love with B.

And that scares me to such a deep degree that I can’t even explain the fear that washes over me at times.

I don’t like being vulnerable.  Well…who does right?  But I keep my feelings hidden and don’t “expose” myself to others very often.  Hell, I even keep shades of myself from Sarah and she is my close friend that I consider a sister.

There is a part of me that wants to show who I am to B.  He already knows a lot because he and I were friends for about twelve years before we started dating.  But the way everything is so effortless with him and how comfortable I feel when I’m with him, it still scares me.

I’ve been in relationships before where when I start to show more of who I really am, the guy couldn’t deal and he bails.  Then the thoughts of being worthless and a “freak” flood my psyche and I retreat from the world for a bit.  The last time I opened myself up to someone, it was Luke and things didn’t turn out well at all.  It took me years to recover from that relationship.  If things like that happened with B, I don’t think I would be able to recover.

My friends have told me to be guarded.  And I’m trying to maintain the balance of letting B in while being guarded at the same time.  But that is freaking difficult!

So…here I sit wondering if I am in love or if I’m just in the “happy” place of being in a relationship.

If anyone out there knows of “signs” to tell if you are in love, could you please leave a comment.

Hope everyone out there is doing well.

Take care.

For a while now my best friend has been blogging about her family.

It is interesting to read what she writes.  Not only is Sarah a gifted writer, but the way she tells family stories feels like you are actually there and participating.  I wouldn’t doubt that she’ll be a famous author one day, but if you’d ask her….she’d deny it.

But even though all the above mentioned things are true, that is not the point of this blog.

Recently I’ve been thinking about my role in my family.

What brought this on?

I think what sparked this little blog is the fact that today (September 8th) is my younger sister’s birthday.  For eight days out of the year, we are twins and sometimes I wonder what things would have been like if we were actually twins.

Ok, you now know that I have a younger sister.  But the truth is, I come from a “blended” family.

My mom was married once before and from that marriage, my mom had a daughter Kathy.  So I have an older half-sister.

Now keeping the age difference in mind, this may have something to do with the role I see myself in my family.

To describe my parents is difficult.

I could probably describe my mom easier than my dad because the truth is, I’m closer to my mom.  And I had the opportunity to interview her for an American Woman history class and found out a little more about her.  Whether or not my sisters have asked my mom questions that would give them more insight….I do not know.

My mom is hard-working, big-hearted and funny.  She also has a strong sense of family.  But rather than express her feelings, she keeps them hidden and doesn’t say what is on her mind.  Which I think she needs to open up more, but that is just me.  My mom has always dealt with the pressure that my grandmother put on her and I think even as an adult, she has issues letting that go.

Hell….it is always hard to change a pattern of behavior that you’ve been groomed to follow.

Moving on….

My dad is usually a pretty quiet guy.  He doesn’t say much and he keeps things locked inside himself.  He loves history, gardening, animals and has a strong sense of family too.  Lately I’ve been worried about my dad.  He seems to be more….cranky.  And I don’t mean that he’s cranky for a few hours or a day and then is back to normal.  It seems like he’s turning into that cranky old man at the end of the block that sits outside and yells at the neighborhood kids to shut up and keep off his lawn.  And when he speaks, it isn’t like he’s having a conversation with you, he is talking “at” you.  I understand as people get older things change…but since his retirement he’s changed a lot.

So you now know about my parents….well…a little bit and now it is time to meet my sisters.

Kathy is hard to describe kind of.  You know that she is ten years older than I am and that we share the same mom.  But while growing up she was practically out the door when I was able to start “knowing” her.  And frankly, Kathy pisses me off so much that my view of her is skewed.  But I’ll try to remain neutral for the moment.

Kathy was the rebellious one of the kids.  She went out with lots of different guys.  Would stay out past curfew, didn’t apply herself when it came to school, moved out of the house as soon as she graduated, got pregnant around the age of eighteen/nineteen, had a teen marriage, got divorced, had more children by different men, throw in a few marriages and you pretty much have Kathy.  But the guys she usually ended up with are assholes.  They would control her and the relationships were just toxic and sometimes she’d leave those guys, but she’d usually go back to them until she found a different guy to move in with.

I find Kathy to be immature and a type of attention whore.  While my younger sister and I were teens, Kathy always would make plans with my mom and take her to Chicago for concerts and stuff.  Which I didn’t mind that my mom was spending time with my sister, but Kathy always seemed to pull mom away when it felt like Kim and I needed my mom at home.  Kathy decided to try to make amends for being a bratty teenager when it was time for my mom to be with Kim and me.  And in essence, I see Kathy as selfish.  Like she couldn’t have waited six more years until Kim and I were out of the house for that sort of stuff?  Currently she is married and is wondering what she has to show for her life at the age of forty.  Oh….and she doesn’t talk to me.  I’ve made attempts to call her and keep in touch but it seems that I’m not a priority in her life.  Which is fine…I’m tired of being a sister when she wants to acknowledge me.  Hell, I haven’t seen her since 2007 and haven’t spoken to her in about a year.

So, I guess Kathy’s role in the family is the “rebel” or “wild child”.

Then there is me.  I’m the morbid, loves school, quirky fat chick.  Whenever my mom would get ticked at Kathy, she’d say things like…”don’t you girls ever become like Kathy”.  So, I did everything I could to NOT be Kathy.  I excelled in school, home before curfew, didn’t act out, had “good” friends.  So pretty much I am the “good child”.

Kim is a year younger than me.  So growing up we’ve shared a lot of stuff.  We use to be close…but then she started hanging out with certain people in the fifth grade and started smoking and trying other things.  Kim is smart, but she always hid it while we were in school.  She dated guys while in high school and was popular.  She was a cheerleader in middle and high school.  She did act out a few times.  But my mom has been known to say that Kim is “another Kathy”.  But I don’t think that is the case.  Kim does have selfish tendencies, but she also knows that family is important.  And Kim doesn’t stop communication with her family members for no reason.  But then again….Kim is hard to peg in the role aspect.  So for lack of a better term, she will forever hold the role as the “baby” of the family.

So why go through all of this?

Maybe it is because I feel like I still don’t fit in any where…not even in my family.

Kathy and Kim have always been thin…even after they’ve had kids.  And both are considered physically beautiful.  Both things I am not.  Seeing my mom from high school, she’s a hottie and my dad handsome.  Again…both things I am not.  One time a family friend was over for dinner and Kim was pregnant with Hayden, and my mom’s friend turns to her as Kim got up to use the bathroom…”Judy, she is such a beautiful girl”.  I was sitting right at the table and that was it.  Hell, Kim and Kathy even look a like.  Once, Kim and I were at a store and I gave Kim a few pennies so that she’d get bills back in change and the cashier said…”it is good to have friends”.  When Kim informed her that we were sisters, the lady looked at us like we were on crack.  Kim and I went to a movie a few years ago and she invited a friend from work.  Kim informed me months later that her friend said she would have never knew we were sisters because we look nothing alike.

Now I understand that siblings don’t always look like each other.  But at least you can still tell that they are siblings because they share some recognizable trait.  But not me.  And just so you know, my mom hates it when I joke about being adopted or the mailman’s kid.

So where does this leave me?

I don’t fit in when it comes to work or the world for that matter.  And it doesn’t appear that I fit in my family either.  It is like no matter what I do, I’m always some where but not part of anything.

If you have any insight as to where I fit in, please let me know.

I just want to be somewhere I belong.

Take care

 

I am sorry for the delay in blogging when I mentioned that I would blog soon.  I could try to come up with excuses but the truth is, even after I had a few minutes of down time at work, I just really didn’t want to blog at all.  And I’m kind of ashamed of that.  So I am sorry for the delay.  Not that anyone really cares or probably follows this blog other than people I know…but that isn’t the point.

There is much to discuss and I’m not sure how to begin.

I guess I’ll start with a follow-up from my last “real” blog.

My guy friend from vacation and I are in a long distance relationship.  About a month after the vacation, we talked a lot on the phone and discussed being in a long distance relationship and the reasons for our argument.  Turns out, he wanted to ask me to be in a relationship six to eight months before we went on vacation or before a vacation was even mentioned.  He also told me that he was trying to figure out a way to see me so that he could get an indication of how things would potentially work with us being more than friends.  So when I mentioned that I was taking a vacation months later, it seemed that it was a good opportunity for him to find out.

So since the beginning of July, we’ve been “dating”.  We talk every weekend online and have made plans for a weekend get-away before winter starts.  Winter is going to be difficult because let’s face it, living in places where you are trapped (or at least feel trapped) for at least three months because of snow is not fun.  So that means we won’t see each other for roughly….six to seven months.  (Oy!  I suddenly feel depressed at the realization of that time frame.)

Moving on….

Before B and I started our long distance relationship, I had been feeling…different.  And I wasn’t the only one that noticed.  Sarah said that she hadn’t seen me smile the way I did when talking about him or vacation in a long time.  The strange thing is I can’t even begin to describe how I felt internally.  You know how when you car is getting close to needing an oil change and the car seems to move a little slower up hills or that it seems you’re not going as fast as your speed indicates and then once you get the oil changed your car seems to run so much better?  Well…something like that happened to me internally.

After a few weeks I realized what had caused the change….I was happy!  Turns out I am not allergic to happiness after all.  Who knew?  Even though I would get down or angry about something, it didn’t really bother me.  It was like a quick little flash of anger and then it was gone.  B turned out to be my happy.

Even the radio seemed to know that I felt different.  One night while driving to work, I heard One Republic’s song “Good Life”.  And then something inside my head clicked and every time I hear (any) One Republic song I’m instantly reminded of B.  The weird/freaky thing is….when I’d think of B….the radio would play a One Republic song.

So….I had another happy in my life and things seemed to be going well (Hayden is my other happy).

Well….no matter how many times I think of my happy thoughts now….they don’t work when I’m at the place I will refer to as “hell”.

In the recent past, I’d be getting yelled at by a guest or something and shortly after I’d think of B and things got better and my night didn’t seem so bad.  Of course there were nights that I’d go home and drink because of the utter bull shit that I had to deal with, but I’d have one drink and that would be enough.  So the combination of thinking of B and the one drink would make things seem ok.

But now things are just beyond ridiculous at/in hell and they are getting worse.

I had two bottles of wine and a decent amount of whiskey in my refrigerator.  But because things are getting worse here, all of my alcohol is gone and I can’t afford to get more.  And I probably shouldn’t get more right now because getting into the habit of drinking after work because of a bad night is maybe not a healthy idea.

Any who…..

I would go into more detail about why hell is sucking so bad but I really don’t want to.

This place is literally killing me…..or at least it has killed the happiness that dwelt inside of me for a few short months.

I’m trying to not get caught up in feeling so angry and defeated when I leave here, but it isn’t working.  Thoughts of B or Hayden don’t even spark a little bit of happy.  Which is sad because I really enjoyed being happy and feeling it internally.

Lately I feel a big void internally and I think that is where the happiness dwelled.  Hopefully after my weekend with B will spark the happy feelings again, but I don’t want to put my hope in that.

Well, maybe I will blog again soon.  But if not, just know that work sucks, I’m busy with work and trying to find a different job.

Hope you are all well.

Take care.

I know that I haven’t blogged in a long time.  And for that I’m really sorry.  But things have been really crazy lately.

 

So I will try to blog in the next day or two and catch you up on the things I’ve been up to.

 

Until then, know that I’m still alive and functioning.

 

Take care!

I  really, REALLY hate my life!

Back in the beginning of Spring, a co-worker was leaving the hotel to work elsewhere.  I was tickled pink at this news because it meant that I’d get to leave work on time for a change and not have to deal with an “I’m better than everyone attitude”.

 

So for about three months, I didn’t go home stressed all the time and I felt that the crew here was good and all real team players.

 

Too bad that is gone now.  The person that left, is now back and things are the same as when that person worked here before leaving.

 

So, I thought that by taking my week’s vacation would help me prepare or get use to having this specific co-worker back.

 

One night weeks before I knew that I had my time off, a guy friend who I’ve known for over ten years suggested that we go on vacation together.  I thought about this and decided that we should.  Why you ask?  Because I was just going to visit my family and my mom and sister work during the week, I never do anything and the thought of actually doing something fun while on vacation appealed to me.

 

So things got set up for me and my guy friend to go on vacation and stuff.

 

But before the actual vacation, some major flirting was going on and questions in the realm of ”what if we’d make out” were being discussed.  On one hand I thought that if something happened, I wouldn’t care because I’ve been “good” for way too damn long.  Then on the other hand, I didn’t want to jeopardize a friendship if we did do stuff and…then  things got weird.

 

Vacation time rolls around and we have fun all week.

 

But the questions that were asked about being a little more “friendly” never came up and even while walking or standing next to me, my guy friend seemed to be repelled.

 

One day while out in public, I saw someone who lives close to my parents.  My friend wasn’t around so this person never saw him.  When he came and sat down at the table, I made the comment about how I like being on vacation but the sad thing about being around close to my family is that I might possibly run into people I know and if they saw me with him, the rumor mill would run wild.

 

His response was had something to the effect of “if we weren’t holding hands or anything, then rumors shouldn’t start”.  But I come from a small town and just because you’re with a guy that isn’t “local” rumors start or the questions to my parents would involve me and my guy friend.

 

I responded with a comment about how I’m not a big fan of p.d.a’s.  I never have been actually.  But then again, all things are situational.  If my friend wanted to hold my hand, depending on how comfortable I felt, I wouldn’t have minded.

 

So now looking back, I don’t know if this was his way of trying to let me know he’s interested in being more than friends or if it was just a comment.

 

After lunch, we went and saw a movie.  Where we sat it was right under the air conditioning and I started to shiver during parts of the movie.  But he never put his arm around me.  And he never offered to cuddle with me when I was freezing back at the hotel.  Which is something he offered to do before we even went on vacation or any time I’d tell him I was cold while chatting with him online (he lives far away from me) he would always tell me that if he were here, that he would cuddle with me to make sure I was warm.

 

Flash forward to the last night of the vacation.

 

We are sitting on his bed watching a movie when I start to shiver because I’m cold.  We end up cuddling and kissing a little.  It seems things were going to progress further but things didn’t.

 

Then the following morning it seemed like he couldn’t get away from me fast enough and it felt like I was getting the cold shoulder.

 

When we were by our cars, I thought I was going to get a hug.  But he gave me a strange hug that was at arm’s length and no kiss.  Which I thought would have been appropriate since we kissed the night before.

 

Saturday rolls around and I’m checking my email at my parent’s place and we end up talking.  He makes comments about how if we lived closer we’d probably be dating and a long distance relationship could be do-able if we’d try to see each other three or four times a year.  He also made a comment about how loyalty wouldn’t be an issue if we did start a long distance relationship and how I shouldn’t give up on the idea of dating.

 

So I was confused when I got back to my place and work had been crazy all week so I didn’t have time to think about this much.  But all week, I missed hanging out and being with this guy.

 

Finally I was able to talk to my best friend about what happened and she told me that I should be open to the idea of a relationship and if he were to ask me to try a long distance thing, I shouldn’t just say no and write things off.

 

So, I gave her advice a shot.  Too bad I got ignored by this guy for two weeks.

 

After those two weeks, my best friend Sarah asked me what was going on between us.  And when I told her nothing, she was shocked.  So I explained how I was being ignored and stuff.  She told me that it sounds like he’s using me and that I should ask him what’s going on.  But I HATE doing that sort of thing.  So, I had made the decision to not talk to him for a few months and that maybe things would go back to normal.

 

I didn’t last even start the vow of silence.

 

This weekend I was hanging out with Sarah and she decided to text this guy for me calling him a dick.

 

After a few text messages, I got online at the urging of Sarah to explain why my best friend thinks he’s a dick.

 

I explained that while on vacation things were going well and how the last night implied that there was something more that was going to start, the discussion we had on Saturday night, followed by two weeks of being ignored hurt me.  So I told him when he figured out what the hell he wanted, to let me know.

 

Then Sarah dragged me out of her house and said that she didn’t want me sitting around and we were going to do something.  We ended up getting ice cream and talked about what had happened while on vacation and how I shouldn’t feel bad about things because I didn’t do anything wrong.

 

The reason I got for his ignoring me was because he has trust issues.  And when he starts to care about someone, he distances himself from them.  He also told me that he feels like shit because of everything.

 

Recently I got another message from him saying that he wants to start a relationship because he thinks we’ll be a good couple.

 

So now what do I do?!

 

I’ve felt like shit for the past three weeks because I feel like I’m unattractive and that I did something wrong.  Then there is the whole, on one hand I wouldn’t mind trying a relationship because he is a decent guy.  Then on the other I don’t want to be tied to a laptop or phone all weekend and I don’t want to constantly wonder if we would meet up for a weekend if he was with me because he feels sorry for hurting me or because he actually wants to date me.

 

I’m so confused and I’m still hurt.  And it is taking a lot out of me trying not to lose it while at work.

 

I hope everyone else is having a far better week than I.

 

Take care.

I just will never be an attractive person.

I will never believe people when they say that looks don’t matter.  Because in reality, it is all about the way one looks and it doesn’t matter that you have a witty personality or are quirky.

I will never be happy.

And I’ll never have the things that I want.

So I guess the question is….why bother anymore?

I’ve been thinking about my attachment to the military.

 

My dad served in the Air Force during Vietnam.  Although he’s never talked about the places he has seen or been to, I’ve always wanted to join the military.

 

As I got older, I thought about becoming a Marine.  There was just something about the Marine Corps that called to me, not sure why though.  But when I turned sixteen and had to have a physical done for volleyball try outs, I was diagnosed with diabetes type II.  And that ended my future as a Marine.

 

So lately I’ve been trying to think of why I felt such a pull towards the military.  It isn’t because I have a deep family history of family members that have served.

 

I think the pull has to do with protecting and defending others and not just family or friends, but for everyone’s family and friends.

 

Some of you reading might wonder why I don’t go into law enforcement.  To tell the truth, that holds no interests for me what-so-ever.  Perhaps it is because I’ve met too many police officers that think they “are” the law rather than an individual that is supposed to protect, serve and uphold the law.  But again….that is just a thought.

 

Consider it strange or weird but I may never be a member of the military on paper, but in spirit I am with the brave men and women that serve this country every day.

 

To those that have lost their lives, my spirit thanks you for defending my freedom and safety.