I know it has been a really long time since I’ve blogged last.

There have been so much going on that I haven’t really had time to sit and compose my thoughts.

The new job is going well.  There are a few things that irk me at times, but the drama and bad days are so few that it is hard to even remember them.

Things with B are good.  We have our rough moments but that is to be expected in a long distance relationship.  The good news is that B will be attending college in the Fall, so we’ll FINALLY be in the same area.  I think our biggest issue is that we both just want to be together so badly but can’t because of the distance.  So, maybe once we are in the same city….things won’t be so “rough”.

Now for what has been on my mind.  Fair warning….it isn’t pretty and is kind of sad and depressing.

Recently someone asked me about my childhood.  That question didn’t really bother me.  I mean, I’ve talked about it before and stuff.  So, I told this person a little bit about my older half-sister and younger sister.  After I finished explaining about my sisters, the same person asked me about childhood friends.  The friends I had would always pick a fight half way through the school year and then spread rumors about me, but we’d all “make up” a few months before the end of the school year.

When I explained about the fights, this person made the following comment, “it must have been nice to have a sister have your back during that time”.  It was at that moment that I realized my younger sister, never had my back.  She always sided with those that attacked me.

Anyway….

That comment got me thinking about my sisters.

My older sister was a rebel, but she had no problem grabbing the attention of guys.  My younger sister has always been pretty.  Then there is me.

There is a part of me that knows that I shouldn’t measure my “beauty” by my sisters, but I can’t help it.

I can’t see anything attractive in me.  Whether it is physical or “inner” beauty.

I can hear those of you that know me groan and start telling me through the computer all of the things that are beautiful about me.  But you say that because you have taken the time to know me.  But it would be nice to feel like I am beautiful.

*sigh*

And the feelings of not belonging are still with me.

They seem to be around more since I work with a bunch of married women and mothers.

It is like no matter where I turn, I’m always being slapped with ideas, concepts, or titles that I don’t have.  The phrases that keep coming to mind are, “you’re not married, you wouldn’t understand” or “you’re not a mother, so it is different for you”.  And if by some divine intervention I become either married or a mother, then what won’t I be good enough for?

I’m tired of be substandard, but there isn’t anything I can do to change that condition.

I am easily replaceable in all aspects of my life.

These thoughts never go away.  They will always be around and I can only hope that they will go away.

Well, maybe I’ll blog sometime soon again.

Until then, take care.

I shouldn’t be surprised really, but it still hurts.

For five years I have put my life on hold in regards to school so that I’d be available for whenever the hotel needed me.  I have injured myself for this place, gave up much-needed time, energy and rest for this hotel and after five years and four months of employment here, I do not warrant a going away party.

I have been a great employee for this hotel.  I have done everything this place has asked of me and yet I still get crapped on.

Since I have been here, there have been multiple going away parties held for other front desk staff that was leaving.  One happened to be around the time of Blake’s birthday, so his party consisted of cake and ice cream.  When Joel left, there was a potluck dinner.  When John left (for the second or third time) there was pizza at a front desk meeting and the general manager even stopped in to wish him well on his new job and stuff.  Then when Lars left, there was pizza at a front desk meeting too.  Jaime got a potluck party as well.  Chelsee’s party was a little different.  She had been here for three years and had to pretty much throw a temper tantrum just to get a cake and ice cream.

Technically, I could have thrown a hissy fit to hint that I wanted a going away party, but I thought that because of my dedication and service to this hotel, that the managers would host one.  Or at the very least order pizza for the last front desk meeting that I attended.

Hell, I gave this place a three-week and two-day notice so they could have ample time to find a replacement.

But because my supervisor pretty much dragged her feet in hiring, the new person only got two days of training with me.  Granted I took a week’s vacation which is part of my notice, but I didn’t know I was hired until after I had applied for the vacation time and the request was approved.

*sigh*

I guess this is just another example of how I try to see the good in people and hope that my jaded opinion of them can be cleared away with an act of appreciation.  To say the least, I kind of got a dishonorable mention at the last front desk meeting by my supervisor.  She pretty much just told everyone when my last day was and that was it.  She said it in kind of snarky manner too.  She didn’t wish me well or anything, she just said “Jenn’s last day is October 22nd”.  The only well wishes that came from the “desk” was when Whitney typed up the meeting notes and wished me well and made a sad face because I was leaving.

I do have to say though, that I got hugs from Tammy and Heather.  It is nice to know that there are a select few that will miss me when I’m gone.

I will keep in touch with a few people from the hotel though.  It will just be difficult trying to get together because of the messed up schedules and such.

Even though it hurts to know for certain that my time and contributions did not matter at the hotel, I must hold onto the happiness that leaving this place brings.

Since I’ve been hired at the history center I am happier.  I understand that I might just be in the “honeymoon” phase of a new job, but there is just something about the way everyone there is happy that I am there and stuff.  It is so weird to walk into a place where people seem to “want” you to be there.  It is nice!

I am excited about the new job and nervous.  There are some reports that I feel that I don’t have a handle on because I had very little training and wasn’t told or shown how to find certain numbers that are important.  But hopefully things will work out for me.

Well, I think I have gone on long enough about how I will always be underappreciated at the hotel but welcomed with a big hug at the history center.

Take care people and may good things cover your shoulders and keep you from harm.

Monday September 17th, 2012 around 3:30pm I got a phone call from the Regional History Center to set up an interview.

Tuesday September 18th at 2:30pm was my interview for the office manager position.

All day I was so wound up it wasn’t even funny.  I couldn’t even calm down enough to take a quick nap.  Hell….even after the interview it took me hours to mellow out to the point where I could start to drift off to sleep.  And then you know what happened…my alarm clock went off.  So right now I am one extremely tired vampire.  Oh…and for those that are wondering…even after three cups of hot coffee, one twenty ounce bottle of Cherry Coke and 3 cups of iced coffee, the sleepy is still with me.

Moving on to the interview itself….

Let me just say that I don’t interview well.  I am usually so nervous that I get tongue-tied and have this queasy feeling in my stomach before, during and after the interview.  But this time…I wasn’t nervous at all.

Perhaps there was a feeling that I belonged at this place combined with the fact that I have so much office experience that it is insane and that I am an absolute history geek that the interview went well.

All of the questions that the interview panel asked seemed to be the “right” questions.  I was able to answer them all honestly and without any mumblings or unintelligible words.  For the first time in a long time, I even felt like I had a good interview.

Even though I feel that this was a good interview, I have to wait until Friday to find out whether or not I have the position.

But Kaye (the person I’d be working most closely with) said during the interview that she couldn’t offer me the position because it wouldn’t be fair for the others that have interviews scheduled, said that it was a good interview.  And when I mentioned that I am passionate about history and would help do research or anything else that was needed, she seemed extremely pleased.

She even took me on a tour of the history center, showing me the back rooms where historical documents and items are stored and prepared for exhibits.  Which that act alone almost made it seem like I had the job…but I’m trying not to get too attached in case that someone else gets the job.

It was nice though to have someone on the panel that graduated with a hospitality background.  So when I explained what “night audit” does, she was able to go into further detail for the others than what I could convey.  Because seriously, it is hard to explain all of the things I do during the night and make others understand unless they come in for one shift and observe.

The only down side to this job are the hours.  It is a full-time position, but only thirty-two and a half hours a week.  I’m not sure if I could live off of that.  I have a lot of expenses and working forty hours doesn’t even get me food.

Strange thing is, I was completely myself during the interview.  I wasn’t afraid to let strangers see how excited I get about history and being surrounded by it.  I showed passion for an interest and I am hoping that my display of enthusiasm for history will make me memorable and the best candidate for the office manager position.

So for those of you that have been keeping your fingers crossed, thank you!  Please continue to keep your fingers crossed and I’ll let you know the outcome as soon as possible.  For those of you that didn’t know this was going on, please send your good vibes my way….I appreciate it greatly.

Take care!

 

I need to blog more but since it has been a crazy summer I haven’t really had the time to sit down and compose my thoughts.

There are just a few things I know for sure and here they are:

I am so tired.  And I mean this physically and mentally.

I don’t know what to do in regards to a certain situation and it is kind of disappointing me.  Because the longer I go without a course of action, the more I’ll end up beaten in the end.

I am extremely frustrated with not being able to find a different job!  The recent pay increase I got is really an insult, the proverbial slap-in-the-face if you will.  According to the “formula” I was suppose to get a three percent raise.  But when I figured out what the three percent would roughly equal, it wasn’t near what I got.

So long story short on the raise, work at a place for five years and get paid like crap.

Maybe now that things seem to be slowing down just a bit, I’ll be able to blog more.

But until I’m able to sit down, catch my breath and compose my thoughts, this update will have to do.

Hope everyone had a nice Labor Day and that the rest of his/her week goes well.

Take care.

Every year I look forward to my week’s paid vacation.

Not only do I not have to be at work, which I call Hell, a whole week…but I get paid for not being there!  Now only if I could still get paid for not being there.

Any way….

This vacation was important for a few reasons.

For one, it marked the year in which I hung out with B for a week, which later turned into us dating long distance.  So, sometime in early July, B and I will be celebrating our one year anniversary.  I’m kinda stoked about that.

The second reason for this vacation being important was….I met B’s Mom.

Most of you might remember that I had been freaking out for months about meeting B’s Mom.

Some of my co-workers were like…”it isn’t a big deal.  I have met my bf/gf’s parents before and it wasn’t a huge deal.”

But what my co-workers failed to understand is that meeting someone’s family IS a huge deal.

I tend to follow the “old school” line of by introducing a gf/bf to the family that it is showing the family that this person is important to me and may become part of the family some day.

I have introduced guys to my family before, but not because I wanted to.  The first guy I dated was when I was at home during summer break from college.  My parents still saw me as a “kid” and made me introduce him to them.  The next guy that met my parents was because I felt sorry for him.  My parents drove up to spend Easter with me while at college and he wasn’t able to go home.  He happened to call and see what I was up to, forgetting that my parents were around, and when I told him my family and I were having Easter dinner, he got invited.

There was only one guy that I actually wanted my family to meet.  He met them in August of 2007.  We had talked about me meeting his family the following month.  Well…he decided that I wasn’t pretty enough for him and that he didn’t like my family, so he dumped me via a friend.

So when B and I talked about meeting each other’s family….I was leery.  I mean, I had already introduced a guy to my family and that didn’t turn out so well.

Back in March, B met my family.  And things went well.  My family likes him, thinks he’s a good guy and all that stuff.  My nephew Hayden didn’t talk to him too much, but Hayden was just sizing B up I think.

So, June rolls around and the closer to my vacation date it gets, the more nervous I become.

I took the bus down to B’s and arrived early Saturday morning after traveling from 6pm CST on Friday evening.

I’m tired and excited at the same time.

Just by being with B, I kinda forgot about meeting his mom.  Until we got to his house.  Then I just had to remind myself to keep breathing.  I guess being tired was good because when I actually was introduced to his mom, I was mellow and stuff.  I think my body went into energy-saving mode and turned off the jitters.

We spent a few days in B’s neighborhood and I got to hang out with his mom and Maddie, the very sweet dog that loves to give kisses.  B’s Mom is nice and easy to get along with.  She’s cool.  And Maddie, what a nut!  She’s great.

After spending some time with B’s Mom and Maddie, we headed up to Wisconsin to visit my family.  Hayden was absolutely excited that B was coming for a visit.  Hayden was chatty with B and helped me pick on B.  Hell, Hayden even helped B pick on me a few times.  I think Hayden and B are now friends.

Eventually B and I were able to spend time alone and it was really nice.

When Friday morning rolled around, it was time to say our good-byes.  I absolutely HATE saying good-bye to B.  I get spoiled seeing him in the morning and being able to snuggle with him at night.  Neither one of us on Friday morning wanted to disengage from our hug.  But eventually we got into our cars and headed towards home.

When I walked into the kitchen of my parents’ house, my mom asked “what’s wrong?”  I responded with a I miss him.  And it had only been twenty minutes since I had last seen him.

The distance is really sucking more than usual.  I was hopeful that I was going to get a job in the Sparta/Tomah area at the army hotel at Fort Mc Coy, but someone else was hired for the position.  And now starts the whole, moving closer thing all over again.

It just gets more and more difficult to say good-bye to B after spending time with him.

I should get going though.  But before I do, I’ll let you know that B’s Mom likes me.  So that is something to be thankful for.  Right?

Take care people.

While growing up, there were multiple times that I was a victim to bullying.

There was a group of guys that would always tear me down because of my weight and I remember with each utter of “thunder thighs” or “fat so” I would die a little inside.  I also remember being picked on because of the clothing I wore, which only got worse as I entered middle school.

Sometimes there were rumors started by the very people I considered friends.  And as the years went on, what little self-esteem I had been shredded to ribbons.  During those times, I longed for the sweet release that death would bring.  There were multiple times where I couldn’t take anymore of the taunts, rumors and anything else those individuals would throw at me and I tried dying…but obviously I failed all those attempts.

Back then if I would have died due to being bullied, society would have just brushed it off and said that I was just emotionally disturbed.

But today, the story is a little bit different.  There are more and more children committing suicide because of the torture his/her peers put them through.  Now there are multiple states that are passing legislation to protect children from being the victims of bullying.

Which is a great idea…but what happens when they are adults?

For example, these kids are growing up knowing that if classmates are being bullies there are avenues that they can take to protect themselves.  But as adults, there are no such safe guards in place.  Especially in the work place.

To this day I am still a victim of bullies.  The only difference is that I am being bullied in the work place and I have no avenue to protect myself.

Recently my supervisor has created this fantasy world where my work is suffering because I’m depressed (her diagnosis) and I am bringing all of my co-workers down.  She also implied that if I went to church that things might be better for me.  And she mentioned that because my boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship it could be contributing to my mood.

All of which is funny because for past five years that I’ve been employed here, I haven’t changed.  My boyfriend and I make our relationship work.  Most times things don’t seem so bad for us….except when we both just really want to curl up with each other on a couch and watch a movie.

She also implied that I should hang out with co-workers outside of work and become friends with everyone.  Because she knows that “if I’d let my wall down” that people would know the “real” me.  Uh…since when did you get to know the “real” me lady?

My supervisor also made comments about me finding other employment.

So, does this mean that if I don’t become best friends with all of my co-workers that I’m going to get fired?  Regardless of how I feel about some of my co-workers, I ALWAYS treat them with civility, courtesy and respect.

The sad thing is, this isn’t the first time my supervisor has done stuff like this.

Whenever she thinks or finds out that I’ve applied to other establishments, she treats me like dirt.  She also says things like…”you HAVE to give me two weeks notice if you’re going to leave” and then in a few sentences she says that she doesn’t want to lose me as an employee.

So, what am I to do?

Could I go to members of upper management and tell them what’s going one?  Yep, but nothing will be done about my supervisor’s bullying.  And if someone from upper management would talk to her, she’d treat me like crap because I “told” on her.  Talk to the owners?  Hahahaha *coughs* sorry…that isn’t an option.  They would do just like upper management…nothing.

Report my supervisor to some agency like the Labor Board?  I could, but more than likely they’d ask me if I’ve reported the incidents to upper management and when I say no, they’d probably tell me to report this stuff, and then if they do nothing contact them again.  Or if the Labor Board would do something, upper management would pull the whole…”I didn’t know this was going on” card and then tell them they’d take care of it.

Then more than likely, she’d be spoken with and after she’d promise to not do it again, that would be it.

But where is the protection for those that are being bullied at work?

Another thing that would most likely happen if I would report this shit to upper management, they’d tell me that if I don’t like the way the desk is being run, there is the door.

Why is it that those that work hard and make sure their work is done correctly are the ones that are targeted?

I just wish that I could find a place to work for that would appreciate my efforts and not treat me so badly.

There are some things that I normally don’t think or speak about.  The reason being that the topics are personal, spark discord easily or are just “too far out there”.

With that being said, it unnerves me when my dreams bring up some of those topics and are vivid with feelings that I don’t usually show others.

But before I get to my disturbing dream, I have been noticing that some people I know (whether in the real world or from online) are coming under spiritual attacks.

On Facebook, I have a friend that reads her Bible while on break and if co-workers ask her questions pertaining to her faith, she’ll answer them.  Well, lately some of her more “touchy” co-workers have been complaining to upper management that she has been reading her Bible while on break.  It isn’t like she’s preaching to others and trying to convert them, she’s just reading and sometimes prays when she’s getting frustrated while at work.  No biggie right?  Well…just before Easter, someone accused her of stealing while she was on duty.  She denied the claim and through video camera footage was cleared of the charge.  Shortly after that, she was accused again of something.  The charges seemed to have been brought up just around the time that she was spending more time with God.

Spiritual attacks?

Normally I would just chalk it up to attaching the term “spiritual attack” to someone’s petty and vindictive nature, but then I observed something different with a dear friend of mine.

This friend loves her job.  She likes what she does, works hard and is really good at what she does.  But lately, her co-workers have been belittling her, running her down, making inappropriate jokes about things in her personal life that they have no freaking clue what is going on in that realm.  And usually around certain holidays, my friend seems to have this habit of taking a personal inventory of stuff and then thanking God for all the things He’s done for her.  Easter just happens to be one of those holidays.

So my friend and I got together recently and she discussed the stuff going on at work and how it was bringing her down and things of that nature.  When she was telling me these things, a thought popped into my head.  If this were a cartoon, a light bulb might have appeared above my head.  I asked my friend if the stuff that was going on at her place of employment could be a spiritual attack.  She looked at me but didn’t answer.  So I explained about my Facebook friend and the things that happened to her and then explained to my friend the patter I see in her around specific holidays and no matter how crappy things seem to be, she’s always able to thank God for stuff.

After a few moments, she said that it could be possible that she’s under attack.  She then made a comment that it was strange that I was bringing this up.  Why is this strange?  Because I don’t talk about religion, spiritual beliefs and things of that nature.

Changing things up just a bit (don’t worry, all of this ties into my dream) ….

So, B met my parents in the middle of March.  At one point during his visit, I gave a deep sigh and asked him what we were going to do.  And the question didn’t need to be explained to him because he was obviously thinking the same thing….what were we going to do in order to be closer to each other (for those that might have forgotten/didn’t know, B and I are in a long distance relationship).

It will be a year in June that B and I went on vacation together.  Which started the thoughts of whether or not we should being in a relationship.  Which led us to starting a relationship in July.  We scheduled little weekend get aways, but after each time we’ve seen each other, it seems that I miss him more and more.  So we have been trying to decide on an area where we could potentially move to and find work, etc.  The problem is we both work at establishments that don’t pay us enough to pick up and move to a different area.

Lately I’ve been getting more and more irritated with work and the crap that goes on here.  I really do think this place is killing my spirit little by little.  So I’ve been looking for work in an area B and I said we wouldn’t mind moving to.  The bad thing is, I apply and get rejections letters/emails almost within a day of applying.

Anyway…

Saturday April 7th, got hit with this sudden wave of depression and sadness.  The thought of, “it has almost been a year and we are no closer to moving forward and by this point I thought it was suppose to get easier…not more difficult”.  And while I was talking with B on Saturday, those feelings seemed to have gone away.  There is just something about that guy that makes me see the brighter things in life (and for those that know me…that is a complete 180).  But the moment he went to bed, those feelings hit me full force and were more intense than before.

I called my mom on Sunday to wish her a Happy Easter and she could tell something was wrong.  But how do you tell your mother that you don’t know something is wrong, but things just seem off.  So, I just brushed it off and said that it was just work because basically that is where my bad moods come from these days.

It was around 2pm Sunday afternoon and I still wasn’t asleep, which sucked because I had to work Sunday night.  Eventually I fell asleep.

At some point in time a dream brought me to my parents’ house.

I was walking on the lawn and the barn was to my left and I was walking towards the front of the house.  But as I looked at the barn and the sun was setting, I saw my younger sister tied up and she appeared injured.  I was torn between running to her aid and running into the house to get someone help me.

I ran into the house using the screen door (which is hardly used) and I saw my mom sitting in her recliner.  I told her that Kim was in trouble in the barn and we needed to help her.  My mom just looked at me and said that some of Kim’s friends were coming over and that I should be nice to them because they were spending the night.

The inside of my parents’ house seemed to change and I said I was going to my room.  But some guys that were “friends” of my sister’s seemed to appear from nowhere and were following me.  I went up a flight of stairs and started walking faster to my room.  But from some of the doors I passed, more of Kim’s friends appeared and they looked strange.  They were normal people, except that when they moved too fast it was like I could see a shadow like figure separate from their body.  Then one of her guy friends grabbed my arm and I spun out of the grasp and looked at him, getting ready to tell him off and then I saw his eyes….they were completely black.  There was no white, no irises….just black.

At that point I knew that Kim’s friends were demons.

The guy that grabbed me just gave this eerie smile and tried to get me into one of the rooms that lined the hallway.  But I was able to evade him and reached a different hallway where my room was.  Close to my room, there were these little girls cowering behind a dresser and I grabbed them and got them in my room.  As I was closing my bedroom door, a blackish gray arm with claws reached into my room and tried scratching me.  The little girls screamed and I fought to close the door.  As I fought to keep from getting scratched and close the door, I began to sing songs from church to calm the girls.  The more I sang the easier it was for me to close the door.

After I got the door closed and locked, I looked at the little girls.  There were huddled on a couch in the “living room” type area of my room.  Then from two of the bedrooms off to the sides came some women that were friends of mine.  They looked at me and asked if I was ok.  I explained to them about Kim and what had just happened.  One of them said that Fin was coming and that when he got there, we could all talk and figure something out.

Once I heard that Fin was coming, I got excited and giddy.  The little girls went into a different bedroom and said that they weren’t going to leave my room.  The others thought that this was a good idea.  Then we all started getting ready for Fin’s arrival.  The adult women and I got dressed up as if we were going to have a girl’s night out on the town.  And the entire time I kept thinking…Fin’s coming!

We were all dressed and then when someone saw Fin’s car pull into the driveway, we slowly made our way downstairs.  There were no demons in the hallways and I didn’t seem to care because my only thought was getting to Fin.  As the women and I were half way down the stairs, there was a bar and on one side of the bar was Fin and some of his friends.  I started blushing and kept looking at him.  But no matter how I tried to get closer to him, I couldn’t.  People that were friends of Fin and the women I was with kept wanting to talk to me and they tended to keep getting in the way.

At one point the demons were opening bottles of liquor and were trying to get everyone to drink with them.  Any one that wasn’t a demon kept declining and just drank soda.

Finally, I was able to talk to Fin and we ended up outside.

I brought him to the area where I first noticed Kim tied up and injured in the barn.  He looked and saw that she was tied up and hurt.  I looked at him and asked him what we should do.  He held my hands and told me that we would think of something in the morning.  After that I told him what had happened as I tried to get into my room.  He just gave me this huge hug and held me close for a few minutes.  He then said that he’d escort me to my room.

Fin walked me to my room and stood in the doorway.  He said that he wouldn’t come into my room because he didn’t want to cause rumors about us.  But the whole time it felt like he was just waiting for the perfect time to propose.  And others seemed to know it too.  We said good night and that night I didn’t get attacked…it was like my room was protected from the demons.

The next morning Fin and I were some place “safe” and he made a comment about how he wanted to propose but now wasn’t the right time because of the attacks.  I then asked him if maybe the attacks were designed to keep him from proposing because if we got married, it would cripple the demons.  He thought about that for a few moments and said that now still wasn’t the right time, but soon it would happen.

Next we were back at the house in the “bar” and the demons were taunting us.  Saying that we’d never be together and things like that.  Then from one of the windows I saw Kim still tied up but hurt more than before.  One of the demons just sneered and watched me.  At my side Fin took my hand and said something that put me at ease.  The only thing I could think of was that the demons were “gonna get it”.

Then I woke up.

The last time I had a dream that involved demons, I was rescuing someone from this hotel type thing that seemed to be made of stainless steel.  And that was back in the Fall of 2006.

Never the less, this current dream left me feeling a little strange.

So what does this mean?

Was this just a dream or am I suppose to get something out of this?

Any help is appreciated.

First blog of 2012….wow.

I’d like to say the first blog of the year is going to be one filled with happiness and many light and cheery things…but I would be lying if I said that was this type of blog.

Lately I have been finding that the “I hate people” days are out numbering days were I am just thinking that I only have to deal with the bull shit from work for eight hours and then I’m free.

But after I leave work, I am not free….anymore.

It is like I have no energy or desire to do anything and the moment I punch out it is like I am counting down to “doom” for when I have to be back here.  I am extremely unhappy and the things that use to make me happy no longer work.

So what does this mean and what can I do to change this?

Some would say that since I no longer find something good about my job, I should quit and work elsewhere.  Which I would LOVE to do….believe me….I’d almost kill to get out of this hell, but I can’t.  The state in which I live has a bad economy…much like the majority of the United States.  And the job market here for the positions that I’m qualified for is intense.  Literally, over hundreds of people apply for the same position and even if I am lucky enough to get an interview, I am still not selected.  *big sigh*

The other problem with finding a different job is that I would be starting completely over.  I make more than minimum wage (not by much though) and have a week’s paid vacation at my current employer.  Let’s face it, I never expected to be here for four and a half years (it will be five in June).  This job was great while I was going to school because the hours allowed me to work full-time and go to school full-time.

So after discussing my issue with Sarah, she said that I need to find balance in my life.  I should have more going on in my life than just work.  When I was in school, I had the distraction from work because the moment I set foot on campus, my brain switched gears and I was focused on the classes, professors, etc.  But since I graduated, I don’t have that anymore.

Sure I could go back to school and get another degree.  But there is NO way I could afford more student loans.

Another reason for work being a big energy suck….no overtime!  I am mandated to attend meetings and trainings, but then my schedule is messed with to make sure I don’t get any overtime….not even five minutes.  Which makes it difficult to buy items like food and other daily necessities….like toilet paper, for example.

Normally, I would read, write, watch some of my favorite TV series on DVD to “recharge”.  But those aren’t helping.

It is like I am dead inside and nothing sparks even a glimmer of life.

It doesn’t help that I’m completely frustrated in the relationship realm.

Ever feel like you are constantly reading a shampoo bottle?  You know the directions…lather, rinse, repeat…repeat…repeat.

Well, that is how I feel with B sometimes.

We’ve talked about being more open with each other and trying to make sure that we don’t start the “distancing” thing.  But lately it feels like I’m pulling teeth to get him to open up or just not be so distant.  I’m so fucking tired of being the one to always bring up the “you’re being distant” thing.

And the worse part is that when we are together (physically….as in the same place), there is no distance.

Maybe there is some miscommunication or I am reading (or not reading) into things the way B intends.  Perhaps he is just as frustrated not being geographically close as I am.

But the relationship thing plus the work thing equals one very beyond burnt out me.

I hope your 2012 is starting out better than you had hoped.

Take care.

Christmas and New Year’s is just around the corner and I have yet to be in the holiday “spirit”.

Is it just me or did the gift selections in stores were far weaker than they have been in the past?

I think part of my lack of spirit has to do with the fact that I had to settle for “generic” gifts to give those on my list this year.

Which saddens me greatly.

Normally I take a lot of time and planning when it comes to gift giving.  But this year I planned and had great ideas, but when I went out into the stores, I couldn’t find anything that remotely came close to the gifts I had in mind for my friends and family.  And to top it all off, I spent three times as much on the substandard gifts.  Not because I wanted to make up for the lack of thoughtfulness, but because the stores weren’t giving their usual “it is ten days until Christmas and we want the inventory gone so let’s put everything at 50-75% off” type of sales.

Hell, even the hot chocolate mixes were still $5.00 for a single serving.

Sorry for the tangent.

Another part of my holiday humbug is that for the first time in my thirty-one years of breathing, I’m in a relationship during a “major” holiday….and I can’t spend any of it with B.

Then add in my missing family members that died around the holidays and always having to work….well, you get the idea.

But there is a slight upside to all of this.

For the first time in four years, I will be celebrating Christmas with my family around the actual holiday (I have off the Thursday and Friday before the 24th).

Normally, my family and I would have to settle celebrating Christmas either a month before the actual holiday or three to four months AFTER.

I hope that everyone has a great Holiday Season that is safe, loving, warm and filled with many great and wonderful things.

Take care everyone.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

The more things that happen in my life, the more I wonder about.  And not just in regards to my life but to the way society views things as well.

For example,  it seems (to me at least) as if we are warned by society to always follow our instincts when something doesn’t feel “right” or something trips in our brain saying “danger”.  So, from a young age we are told to trust these feelings when something doesn’t feel right and if we follow our instinct, then we may not get hurt or just might be able to avoid something “bad”.

But what about when our feelings scream “this is a good thing” or “don’t give up on this because it will be great”?

In today’s world it seems that the focus is always on the negative, so when something positive comes along, it is hard to recognize it.

I am guilty of this.

For so many years I’ve dwelt on the idea that getting involved in another relationship would be bad because I would only end up getting hurt in the long run.  And I can see now, that during that time, I wasn’t myself.

Normally, I don’t form of an opinion of someone until after I’ve gotten to know them a little.  The only exceptions to this is when something deep within me screams “shady”.  And even when that feeling makes itself known, I’d still get to know someone so that way I could validate what I was feeling.

So you’re wondering what is the point to this little commentary.

The way I wasn’t myself was because I automatically believed in the shady side of  people and that any guy that would even express the smallest amount of interest was just out for one thing and it wasn’t getting to know me for me.  And during this time, some of the guys that I went to classes with did flirt and then when a thin, big chested girl would walk by, they’d make comments like…”man she’s beautiful! I’d go out with her.”  So that would solidify my negative thoughts.

But in reality,  I’m pretty trusting upon a first meeting.  And I stay trusting until you give me cause to dissolve that bond.

It is only recently that I’m beginning to trust again.  And let me tell you…this is not an easy thing to do.

Sometimes if feels like I’ve been in a coma and have no memory of who I was (let’s face it, I still don’t know who I am) and I’m trying to gleam pieces of Jenn from what others tell me or recall memories of stuff we’ve done.

Sarah blogged recently about how she hopes that members of her family and friends will pursue the passions that God has given them.

Personally, I’d love to do this, but there is one small problem.  I feel that I don’t have anything to be passionate about.  Sure there are things that interest me, but nothing that I’m like a die-hard fan for.  And in part, I think this is why I have such an issue finding a job that I could turn into a career and love doing.  Sometimes I wonder if I am even passionate about anything.  It is like I’m dead inside.  I wonder if that feeling will ever go away.

So lately I have been thinking about my life.  And I have been feeling really worthless.

I mean, I have a bachelor’s degree in political science and a minor in history, both of which are useless when finding a job.  If I wanted to use my minor, the jobs I find are looking for individuals that have a bachelor’s or are history graduate students.  Which I am neither.  I can’t afford to go back to school either which doesn’t help matters.

Then add in the fact that I work forty hours a week and I can’t afford food.

I thought that once people got out into the “real” world, that one would graduate from high school/college, get a job, pay bills, and that same person would be able to support themselves.  In my case, not so much.  I fight so hard to make sure I have money set aside incase I need it and I am struggling so much just to keep my head above water.

Sometimes I wonder how much less I can eat per week to make seventy dollars worth of groceries to last longer than a month.  But that would be pushing things towards the extreme I think.

Then I think about some of my co-workers that are in their early to mid twenties that live with their parents, don’t help with the grocery bill and the only thing they have to worry about is their cell bill.  I can’t tell you how often it pisses me off when those particular people bitch about how they wanted to get this item or that and couldn’t because they didn’t have the fifty dollars for that pair of shoes or something.  At that point I want to smack them.

I guess I just don’t know what I’m suppose to do with my life and it is really bothering me.

This past weekend I went home to visit my family and the feeling of being worthless and purpose-less was just magnified.

My nephew wanted me to bring him back to Michigan with me.  And when I asked him what he’d do while I worked all night, he said “I’d run the hotel”.  That made me smile.  But then that made the thoughts of how I’m the only childless person in my family come flooding into my mind.  Those thoughts cut me so deeply at times that I wonder how I’m even able to function.

Could it be that my purpose in life is to suffer?

Because that feels like the only thing I’m good at…is suffering.

I just wish I could be shown a glimpse of what I’m suppose to do with my life.

Hope everyone has a good week and weekend.