Well, hello again.
It has almost been a year since I’ve blogged last and many things have happened.
B moved up here in August to attend college and we spend as much time together as we can. Sometimes it isn’t easy trying to mesh class and work schedules but we make it work.
I still volunteer for cleaning the cat condos at Pet Smart every Saturday. I enjoy my Caterdays. It is the one day a week where I feel loved by just showing up.
So…now to dive into the start of all the thoughts and bad mojo that has been swimming in my head since the end of August.
It was move in weekend at the college, which means crazy out-of-town drivers and crowded tourist areas. B and I had discussed getting out-of-town because he wanted to have a quiet weekend before he started classes. So, we made plans to visit my parents because it was close and if we wanted to go into G.B. we could to relax and stuff. So, I had called my mom ahead of time to let her know that we were coming for a visit. She informed me that my older half-sister would be there as well because she had a family wedding and family reunion that weekend. Ok, not a big deal.
I had not seen my older half-sister since 2007 and we hardly spoke on the phone in the past six years. It seemed that no matter how many times I’d call, she never had time to talk to me…not even for five minutes. So, I thought that by us being in the same house at the same time, we’d have a lot to catch up on….especially since we both had new jobs and stuff. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
B and I arrived and everyone was sitting at the table, except Kathy (that’s my half-sister). I introduced B to Jay, Kathy’s husband and B said hello. I then put our stuff in my room and found Kathy and my niece in the den putting a video game away. When I exited my room, Kathy said hello and gave me a quick hug and then went into the kitchen, where she introduced herself to B. After that, I made food for B and me and while it was cooking, Kathy talked about who’d her family would see at the wedding and the reunion, her job, stuff that her and my mom did earlier that day and that was pretty much it. I’d interject comments from time to time and even asked questions to try to engage her about asking about stuff that was going on with me. I mean…this is the first time that she met B and I could really see ourselves together…and she is not interested or curious?! After an hour or two of being at the house, then Jay started asking B about where he is from and stuff. Other than that….it all went back to Kathy, her work drama and HER family wedding and reunion. Kim (my younger sister) came over with Hayden (my nephew) after her softball game and she spent a little time with us…but she pretty much talked to Kathy and her conversational topic was the softball tournament she was in and when her games were on Saturday. That was the only time I saw them that weekend.
It is now Saturday early morning and I can’t sleep. Something isn’t sitting right with me and it was there when B and I went to sleep Friday night. I believe it was the massive amount of disappointment that I felt at the lack of interest Kathy showed in my life and the people I consider important. It is around 6:30am and I’m watching a cat show on Animal Planet and Kathy pulls a kitchen chair into the den to watch with me. We do the normal good morning exchanges while sipping on coffee, but when we talk…it is about the kitten breeds that we find cute on the show. I tried to move the conservation to more personal topics thinking that she might start asking questions about B and I…nope…nada.
Move forward to lunch with Kathy’s family, Mom, Dad, B and me. We are all gathered around the table and the conservation is again on the wedding and family reunion Kathy will be attending. SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!!?! There are other people at the table and some of us are really freaking sick and tired about hearing about YOUR family this…YOUR family that. OY! Things are being cleared off the table and then Jay asks how B and I met. So I started telling the story and not even half way through, both Jay and Kathy started having a convo between the two of them about work. So, I stopped telling the story and I was instantly enraged! But wait…this gets better. After disregarding an answer to their question, Jay asks if B and I are living together while he’s attending classes. Uh…wait a minute here. You don’t give a fluffy cloud about how we met, but now you are interested in whether or not we’re living together? O.o With each passing minute, I’m getting more and more angry. I answered the question with he’s living on campus and we’ve discussed the option of living together but nothing has been decided yet. After the answer, they started getting ready for the wedding which was three hours away.
When Kathy left for the wedding, I sought out my Mom to talk to her. When I explained to her that I feel like Kathy doesn’t care about anyone other than her family functions, she defended Kathy! My Mom said with the few questions she asked that she is trying. Let’s just keeping adding to the disappointment pile. You’d think that if you haven’t seen your sister in six years, you’d have a ton of questions or at least try to talk about something other than YOUR family functions.
Again I am up early and it is Sunday morning. Mom and Dad leave for church and I’m sitting at the kitchen table in the silent house. I am trying to figure out what the hell is going on. It isn’t easy to process how self-centered someone can be when you’ve heard through the grapevine that “oh I miss her” and then when you’re in the same house, dismiss “her”. Or did Kathy say that she missed me because it is the thing to say when you haven’t seen your sister in six years? Shortly after my parents left for church, Kathy and Jay woke up and joined me at the table. I really didn’t want to be alone with them…at all. But I was lucky because B woke up and came our shortly after that. As we were discussing some of our favorite comedians, out of the blue Kathy calls my dad a dick. It took every ounce of my being not to beat the crap out of Kathy with that comment. What the hell is wrong with her?! I don’t care who the hell she is…she should know that you don’t insult MY family. I am the type of person that I will be the most loyal, defend you with everything I have and the best ally you could ever want. But if you cross me, I am the worst enemy you could ever encounter.
The entire drive back to Michigan I pretty much bitched about the weekend to B and tried not to cry while driving. There was so much disappointment, anger and heart-break that even today…it is hard to explain.
About a week after the whole weekend, I called my mom to explain that I’ve drawn a line in the sand with Kathy and it would take a lot for me to erase that line. I was calm when explaining things to my mom. I didn’t raise my voice or anything because I had processed my feelings and made my decision. Then it happened….my mom defended Kathy’s comment and told me what happened the Friday they arrived for her to make that statement. I was silent for a minute. I couldn’t believe that my mom was defending a hateful comment about someone I care about. Everyone has the capability to be a dick…but to defend that comment….*screams* Then to top things off, Kathy left a comment on my Facebook page which would spark the airing of family drama….on my BIRTHDAY! *headdesk* So now Mom is disappointed in me because Kathy is “trying” and I’m like…that’s it we’re done. *sigh*
Now…to a little bit more current events.
Kathy has to have surgery and my Mom is going to go to Chicago to help her out while recovering. I am ok with that because everyone needs help when recovering and stuff. But my Mom will be ditching my Dad for Christmas. I am now beyond angry with my mother. My Dad’s father died on Christmas Eve morning in the early 90′s. So, she’s leaving him….alone…during a time when he probably plays that day over and over every year. With the date of the surgery, it does not warrant my mom being in Chicago for Christmas. I feel like this is a plot between the two of them. But even if this were true, I can’t prove it and there isn’t anything I can do about it. The saddest thing about this is that my mom is so close to being in the “we’re done” boat, especially since I thought we were close.
Growing up all I ever heard was “don’t be like Kathy”, so I made sure I wasn’t like her. Later in my life, Kathy realized that she screwed up with Mom somewhere and decided to take my Mom to Chicago for weeks at a time. This was when my younger sister and I were 12 to 14. Pretty much we needed my Mom around in the summer. Then when my younger sister started smoking in middle school, my Mom would call her Kathy Number 2. So, yet again…I strived to not be like Kathy.
But this isn’t all of the story.
After interviewing my Mom for a college class, I realized something and it is painful. When she divorced Kathy’s dad, she didn’t want anymore kids or to date. The man she loved broke things off with her because her mom and brother threatened to disown her if they married. So, she lost the love of her life and only married my dad after Kathy’s because of my grandmother (her mom) pressuring her to have a father for Kathy. Since my mom was pregnant with me before she got married to my dad, she sends off the impression that I’ve trapped her into a marriage that she didn’t want. It feels like if I wasn’t going to be born, that she would have called off the wedding and have been fine with that decision. So…I feel like I am the reason for her unhappiness. And my younger sister feels like she was never wanted. But the truth is, my Dad wanted my younger sister and I.
*takes a breath*
Now that you know what’s been going on, I’m going to try to visit my Dad for Christmas…and I don’t care that my Mom won’t be at the house. I will also tell him all the stuff that has happened since August. I’ve struggled with the decision to tell him what Kathy said or not. So I want him to know that my not visiting has nothing to do with him but everything to do with the events that have happened.
I swear, my life could make a good family sitcom/drama.
So, as Thanksgiving came closer, I started thinking about the things I’m thankful for. I typically don’t do that…at all or ever have.
I am so blessed to have Sarah in my life. She is the best friend and sister anyone could ask for. When the stuff with Kathy went down, she reminded me that there are people in my life that love me and that I am worth fighting to have a relationship with. Sarah also reminded me that I have a right to feel pissed off that my mom is ditching my Dad during the holidays. Sarah really is a great blessing and I am glad that God made sure we were college roommates.
I am also grateful for B. He didn’t bail on me after all of the Kathy stuff and when I cried in front of him (which I don’t like doing), he just held me and told me that the whole situation sucks but that he was here for me. Anyone else probably would have dumped me and said that the family drama was too much.
I am also blessed to have Rachel in my life. Even though we don’t get to talk much, she is always there for me when I need her. Rachel is wonderful and I’m lucky to have her in my life.
So, that is just a quick little run down of what’s going on with me.
I just have to wonder why all of this is going on now. I mean….I have a job that doesn’t make me want to drink or depress me. I have a wonderful boyfriend that is supportive and caring. So, things are going well for me…and then this crap happens. *sigh*
Well, I will try to blog more but make no promises.
May your Holiday Season be filled with people who love you for whom you are, great friends, lots of love, warmth, happiness, joy, laughs and blessings.