I really, REALLY hate my life!
Back in the beginning of Spring, a co-worker was leaving the hotel to work elsewhere. I was tickled pink at this news because it meant that I’d get to leave work on time for a change and not have to deal with an “I’m better than everyone attitude”.
So for about three months, I didn’t go home stressed all the time and I felt that the crew here was good and all real team players.
Too bad that is gone now. The person that left, is now back and things are the same as when that person worked here before leaving.
So, I thought that by taking my week’s vacation would help me prepare or get use to having this specific co-worker back.
One night weeks before I knew that I had my time off, a guy friend who I’ve known for over ten years suggested that we go on vacation together. I thought about this and decided that we should. Why you ask? Because I was just going to visit my family and my mom and sister work during the week, I never do anything and the thought of actually doing something fun while on vacation appealed to me.
So things got set up for me and my guy friend to go on vacation and stuff.
But before the actual vacation, some major flirting was going on and questions in the realm of ”what if we’d make out” were being discussed. On one hand I thought that if something happened, I wouldn’t care because I’ve been “good” for way too damn long. Then on the other hand, I didn’t want to jeopardize a friendship if we did do stuff and…then things got weird.
Vacation time rolls around and we have fun all week.
But the questions that were asked about being a little more “friendly” never came up and even while walking or standing next to me, my guy friend seemed to be repelled.
One day while out in public, I saw someone who lives close to my parents. My friend wasn’t around so this person never saw him. When he came and sat down at the table, I made the comment about how I like being on vacation but the sad thing about being around close to my family is that I might possibly run into people I know and if they saw me with him, the rumor mill would run wild.
His response was had something to the effect of “if we weren’t holding hands or anything, then rumors shouldn’t start”. But I come from a small town and just because you’re with a guy that isn’t “local” rumors start or the questions to my parents would involve me and my guy friend.
I responded with a comment about how I’m not a big fan of p.d.a’s. I never have been actually. But then again, all things are situational. If my friend wanted to hold my hand, depending on how comfortable I felt, I wouldn’t have minded.
So now looking back, I don’t know if this was his way of trying to let me know he’s interested in being more than friends or if it was just a comment.
After lunch, we went and saw a movie. Where we sat it was right under the air conditioning and I started to shiver during parts of the movie. But he never put his arm around me. And he never offered to cuddle with me when I was freezing back at the hotel. Which is something he offered to do before we even went on vacation or any time I’d tell him I was cold while chatting with him online (he lives far away from me) he would always tell me that if he were here, that he would cuddle with me to make sure I was warm.
Flash forward to the last night of the vacation.
We are sitting on his bed watching a movie when I start to shiver because I’m cold. We end up cuddling and kissing a little. It seems things were going to progress further but things didn’t.
Then the following morning it seemed like he couldn’t get away from me fast enough and it felt like I was getting the cold shoulder.
When we were by our cars, I thought I was going to get a hug. But he gave me a strange hug that was at arm’s length and no kiss. Which I thought would have been appropriate since we kissed the night before.
Saturday rolls around and I’m checking my email at my parent’s place and we end up talking. He makes comments about how if we lived closer we’d probably be dating and a long distance relationship could be do-able if we’d try to see each other three or four times a year. He also made a comment about how loyalty wouldn’t be an issue if we did start a long distance relationship and how I shouldn’t give up on the idea of dating.
So I was confused when I got back to my place and work had been crazy all week so I didn’t have time to think about this much. But all week, I missed hanging out and being with this guy.
Finally I was able to talk to my best friend about what happened and she told me that I should be open to the idea of a relationship and if he were to ask me to try a long distance thing, I shouldn’t just say no and write things off.
So, I gave her advice a shot. Too bad I got ignored by this guy for two weeks.
After those two weeks, my best friend Sarah asked me what was going on between us. And when I told her nothing, she was shocked. So I explained how I was being ignored and stuff. She told me that it sounds like he’s using me and that I should ask him what’s going on. But I HATE doing that sort of thing. So, I had made the decision to not talk to him for a few months and that maybe things would go back to normal.
I didn’t last even start the vow of silence.
This weekend I was hanging out with Sarah and she decided to text this guy for me calling him a dick.
After a few text messages, I got online at the urging of Sarah to explain why my best friend thinks he’s a dick.
I explained that while on vacation things were going well and how the last night implied that there was something more that was going to start, the discussion we had on Saturday night, followed by two weeks of being ignored hurt me. So I told him when he figured out what the hell he wanted, to let me know.
Then Sarah dragged me out of her house and said that she didn’t want me sitting around and we were going to do something. We ended up getting ice cream and talked about what had happened while on vacation and how I shouldn’t feel bad about things because I didn’t do anything wrong.
The reason I got for his ignoring me was because he has trust issues. And when he starts to care about someone, he distances himself from them. He also told me that he feels like shit because of everything.
Recently I got another message from him saying that he wants to start a relationship because he thinks we’ll be a good couple.
So now what do I do?!
I’ve felt like shit for the past three weeks because I feel like I’m unattractive and that I did something wrong. Then there is the whole, on one hand I wouldn’t mind trying a relationship because he is a decent guy. Then on the other I don’t want to be tied to a laptop or phone all weekend and I don’t want to constantly wonder if we would meet up for a weekend if he was with me because he feels sorry for hurting me or because he actually wants to date me.
I’m so confused and I’m still hurt. And it is taking a lot out of me trying not to lose it while at work.
I hope everyone else is having a far better week than I.
Take care.
