I am sorry for the delay in blogging when I mentioned that I would blog soon. I could try to come up with excuses but the truth is, even after I had a few minutes of down time at work, I just really didn’t want to blog at all. And I’m kind of ashamed of that. So I am sorry for the delay. Not that anyone really cares or probably follows this blog other than people I know…but that isn’t the point.
There is much to discuss and I’m not sure how to begin.
I guess I’ll start with a follow-up from my last “real” blog.
My guy friend from vacation and I are in a long distance relationship. About a month after the vacation, we talked a lot on the phone and discussed being in a long distance relationship and the reasons for our argument. Turns out, he wanted to ask me to be in a relationship six to eight months before we went on vacation or before a vacation was even mentioned. He also told me that he was trying to figure out a way to see me so that he could get an indication of how things would potentially work with us being more than friends. So when I mentioned that I was taking a vacation months later, it seemed that it was a good opportunity for him to find out.
So since the beginning of July, we’ve been “dating”. We talk every weekend online and have made plans for a weekend get-away before winter starts. Winter is going to be difficult because let’s face it, living in places where you are trapped (or at least feel trapped) for at least three months because of snow is not fun. So that means we won’t see each other for roughly….six to seven months. (Oy! I suddenly feel depressed at the realization of that time frame.)
Moving on….
Before B and I started our long distance relationship, I had been feeling…different. And I wasn’t the only one that noticed. Sarah said that she hadn’t seen me smile the way I did when talking about him or vacation in a long time. The strange thing is I can’t even begin to describe how I felt internally. You know how when you car is getting close to needing an oil change and the car seems to move a little slower up hills or that it seems you’re not going as fast as your speed indicates and then once you get the oil changed your car seems to run so much better? Well…something like that happened to me internally.
After a few weeks I realized what had caused the change….I was happy! Turns out I am not allergic to happiness after all. Who knew? Even though I would get down or angry about something, it didn’t really bother me. It was like a quick little flash of anger and then it was gone. B turned out to be my happy.
Even the radio seemed to know that I felt different. One night while driving to work, I heard One Republic’s song “Good Life”. And then something inside my head clicked and every time I hear (any) One Republic song I’m instantly reminded of B. The weird/freaky thing is….when I’d think of B….the radio would play a One Republic song.
So….I had another happy in my life and things seemed to be going well (Hayden is my other happy).
Well….no matter how many times I think of my happy thoughts now….they don’t work when I’m at the place I will refer to as “hell”.
In the recent past, I’d be getting yelled at by a guest or something and shortly after I’d think of B and things got better and my night didn’t seem so bad. Of course there were nights that I’d go home and drink because of the utter bull shit that I had to deal with, but I’d have one drink and that would be enough. So the combination of thinking of B and the one drink would make things seem ok.
But now things are just beyond ridiculous at/in hell and they are getting worse.
I had two bottles of wine and a decent amount of whiskey in my refrigerator. But because things are getting worse here, all of my alcohol is gone and I can’t afford to get more. And I probably shouldn’t get more right now because getting into the habit of drinking after work because of a bad night is maybe not a healthy idea.
Any who…..
I would go into more detail about why hell is sucking so bad but I really don’t want to.
This place is literally killing me…..or at least it has killed the happiness that dwelt inside of me for a few short months.
I’m trying to not get caught up in feeling so angry and defeated when I leave here, but it isn’t working. Thoughts of B or Hayden don’t even spark a little bit of happy. Which is sad because I really enjoyed being happy and feeling it internally.
Lately I feel a big void internally and I think that is where the happiness dwelled. Hopefully after my weekend with B will spark the happy feelings again, but I don’t want to put my hope in that.
Well, maybe I will blog again soon. But if not, just know that work sucks, I’m busy with work and trying to find a different job.
Hope you are all well.
Take care.
