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For a while now my best friend has been blogging about her family.

It is interesting to read what she writes.  Not only is Sarah a gifted writer, but the way she tells family stories feels like you are actually there and participating.  I wouldn’t doubt that she’ll be a famous author one day, but if you’d ask her….she’d deny it.

But even though all the above mentioned things are true, that is not the point of this blog.

Recently I’ve been thinking about my role in my family.

What brought this on?

I think what sparked this little blog is the fact that today (September 8th) is my younger sister’s birthday.  For eight days out of the year, we are twins and sometimes I wonder what things would have been like if we were actually twins.

Ok, you now know that I have a younger sister.  But the truth is, I come from a “blended” family.

My mom was married once before and from that marriage, my mom had a daughter Kathy.  So I have an older half-sister.

Now keeping the age difference in mind, this may have something to do with the role I see myself in my family.

To describe my parents is difficult.

I could probably describe my mom easier than my dad because the truth is, I’m closer to my mom.  And I had the opportunity to interview her for an American Woman history class and found out a little more about her.  Whether or not my sisters have asked my mom questions that would give them more insight….I do not know.

My mom is hard-working, big-hearted and funny.  She also has a strong sense of family.  But rather than express her feelings, she keeps them hidden and doesn’t say what is on her mind.  Which I think she needs to open up more, but that is just me.  My mom has always dealt with the pressure that my grandmother put on her and I think even as an adult, she has issues letting that go.

Hell….it is always hard to change a pattern of behavior that you’ve been groomed to follow.

Moving on….

My dad is usually a pretty quiet guy.  He doesn’t say much and he keeps things locked inside himself.  He loves history, gardening, animals and has a strong sense of family too.  Lately I’ve been worried about my dad.  He seems to be more….cranky.  And I don’t mean that he’s cranky for a few hours or a day and then is back to normal.  It seems like he’s turning into that cranky old man at the end of the block that sits outside and yells at the neighborhood kids to shut up and keep off his lawn.  And when he speaks, it isn’t like he’s having a conversation with you, he is talking “at” you.  I understand as people get older things change…but since his retirement he’s changed a lot.

So you now know about my parents….well…a little bit and now it is time to meet my sisters.

Kathy is hard to describe kind of.  You know that she is ten years older than I am and that we share the same mom.  But while growing up she was practically out the door when I was able to start “knowing” her.  And frankly, Kathy pisses me off so much that my view of her is skewed.  But I’ll try to remain neutral for the moment.

Kathy was the rebellious one of the kids.  She went out with lots of different guys.  Would stay out past curfew, didn’t apply herself when it came to school, moved out of the house as soon as she graduated, got pregnant around the age of eighteen/nineteen, had a teen marriage, got divorced, had more children by different men, throw in a few marriages and you pretty much have Kathy.  But the guys she usually ended up with are assholes.  They would control her and the relationships were just toxic and sometimes she’d leave those guys, but she’d usually go back to them until she found a different guy to move in with.

I find Kathy to be immature and a type of attention whore.  While my younger sister and I were teens, Kathy always would make plans with my mom and take her to Chicago for concerts and stuff.  Which I didn’t mind that my mom was spending time with my sister, but Kathy always seemed to pull mom away when it felt like Kim and I needed my mom at home.  Kathy decided to try to make amends for being a bratty teenager when it was time for my mom to be with Kim and me.  And in essence, I see Kathy as selfish.  Like she couldn’t have waited six more years until Kim and I were out of the house for that sort of stuff?  Currently she is married and is wondering what she has to show for her life at the age of forty.  Oh….and she doesn’t talk to me.  I’ve made attempts to call her and keep in touch but it seems that I’m not a priority in her life.  Which is fine…I’m tired of being a sister when she wants to acknowledge me.  Hell, I haven’t seen her since 2007 and haven’t spoken to her in about a year.

So, I guess Kathy’s role in the family is the “rebel” or “wild child”.

Then there is me.  I’m the morbid, loves school, quirky fat chick.  Whenever my mom would get ticked at Kathy, she’d say things like…”don’t you girls ever become like Kathy”.  So, I did everything I could to NOT be Kathy.  I excelled in school, home before curfew, didn’t act out, had “good” friends.  So pretty much I am the “good child”.

Kim is a year younger than me.  So growing up we’ve shared a lot of stuff.  We use to be close…but then she started hanging out with certain people in the fifth grade and started smoking and trying other things.  Kim is smart, but she always hid it while we were in school.  She dated guys while in high school and was popular.  She was a cheerleader in middle and high school.  She did act out a few times.  But my mom has been known to say that Kim is “another Kathy”.  But I don’t think that is the case.  Kim does have selfish tendencies, but she also knows that family is important.  And Kim doesn’t stop communication with her family members for no reason.  But then again….Kim is hard to peg in the role aspect.  So for lack of a better term, she will forever hold the role as the “baby” of the family.

So why go through all of this?

Maybe it is because I feel like I still don’t fit in any where…not even in my family.

Kathy and Kim have always been thin…even after they’ve had kids.  And both are considered physically beautiful.  Both things I am not.  Seeing my mom from high school, she’s a hottie and my dad handsome.  Again…both things I am not.  One time a family friend was over for dinner and Kim was pregnant with Hayden, and my mom’s friend turns to her as Kim got up to use the bathroom…”Judy, she is such a beautiful girl”.  I was sitting right at the table and that was it.  Hell, Kim and Kathy even look a like.  Once, Kim and I were at a store and I gave Kim a few pennies so that she’d get bills back in change and the cashier said…”it is good to have friends”.  When Kim informed her that we were sisters, the lady looked at us like we were on crack.  Kim and I went to a movie a few years ago and she invited a friend from work.  Kim informed me months later that her friend said she would have never knew we were sisters because we look nothing alike.

Now I understand that siblings don’t always look like each other.  But at least you can still tell that they are siblings because they share some recognizable trait.  But not me.  And just so you know, my mom hates it when I joke about being adopted or the mailman’s kid.

So where does this leave me?

I don’t fit in when it comes to work or the world for that matter.  And it doesn’t appear that I fit in my family either.  It is like no matter what I do, I’m always some where but not part of anything.

If you have any insight as to where I fit in, please let me know.

I just want to be somewhere I belong.

Take care