Most of you might remember one of the last times I blogged I had mentioned B and that we were in a long distance relationship.
Well, our weekend together was nice but way too short. We didn’t do anything wild and crazy but the weekend was just wonderful.
On Saturday morning we were both up early and ended up cuddling on the couch while watching Saturday morning cartoons. That is just one of my favorite memories of that weekend. The other involves the activities of Sunday. We walked around a park that was close to the hotel and then after that we had breakfast at IHOP because B had never been to one before. Then after breakfast we walked around a community garden for hours.
Now I’m not fond of public displays of affection. I am a very private person and when I’ve dated someone, I tend to shy away from the p.d.a’s because I feel that should be something between my boyfriend and me….not us and anyone that happens to be looking. But with B things are different. I held his hand often if not the entire time we were walking around the community garden and the park.
On the morning that we were both going back to our homes, we both seemed to drag our feet in getting ready to pack up and call the weekend concluded.
We were finished with lunch and standing by our cars and I gave B a hug. I didn’t want to let go. I kept trying to think of all the fun we had while on our short weekend get-away but the only thing I could think of was how much I was going to miss him when I was back home.
So let’s jump ahead to the present…or at the very least a few weeks ago.
I was thinking about B and started wondering what it was like to be in love.
I’ve never been in love before and I want to know what are some of the signs that a person is in love.
Why do I want to know such things?
Because I want to know whether or not I am in love.
The sad truth is, there are no signs that can indicate if I’m in love or not. Richard, a friend of mine, said that if you think about that person all the time and always want to be with them, that is usually a good sign that you are in love. Even Sarah said that when I talk about B my smile is different. It isn’t a smile that is forced or just happens, it is a true smile that comes from deep within.
So, I have been thinking about this a lot and I think that I could be falling in love with B.
And that scares me to such a deep degree that I can’t even explain the fear that washes over me at times.
I don’t like being vulnerable. Well…who does right? But I keep my feelings hidden and don’t “expose” myself to others very often. Hell, I even keep shades of myself from Sarah and she is my close friend that I consider a sister.
There is a part of me that wants to show who I am to B. He already knows a lot because he and I were friends for about twelve years before we started dating. But the way everything is so effortless with him and how comfortable I feel when I’m with him, it still scares me.
I’ve been in relationships before where when I start to show more of who I really am, the guy couldn’t deal and he bails. Then the thoughts of being worthless and a “freak” flood my psyche and I retreat from the world for a bit. The last time I opened myself up to someone, it was Luke and things didn’t turn out well at all. It took me years to recover from that relationship. If things like that happened with B, I don’t think I would be able to recover.
My friends have told me to be guarded. And I’m trying to maintain the balance of letting B in while being guarded at the same time. But that is freaking difficult!
So…here I sit wondering if I am in love or if I’m just in the “happy” place of being in a relationship.
If anyone out there knows of “signs” to tell if you are in love, could you please leave a comment.
Hope everyone out there is doing well.
Take care.
Hi IA. I saw this blog and I wanted to comment on it.
It is hard to explain what “being in love” is. One thing I would caution is that “being in love” is a lot of emotional related things. Do not let your emotions get in the way of reason. C.S. Lewis said that true love was not affectionate feeling but a genuine desire for the wellbeing of the other person. That’s a paraphrase anyway.
So, you may be happy and those are parts of being in love, for sure; but be sure that that is not ALL there is. Emotions will come and go, and if that’s what the basis of the relationship is, it’s bound to fall flat on its face eventually. You need more; you need something concrete and that’s the genuine desire for each others wellbeing and also that you have plenty in common to possibly be married and spend your entire lives together everyday.
It’s something that you need to talk to him about to make sure he realizes this. I’m sure you must have some things in common and I wanted to say I am not saying this to doubt your relationship or anything, but you asked and I’m answering.
That’s a main thing to think on and I’d also like to say that I’m happy for you, IA. I know you and I had plenty of conversations about love and relationships and both our mutual feelings of being alone. Those for both of us have passed now it seems.
I hope you and I can talk on AIM sometime about it all. I’m “invisible” on AIM, but if I see you on, I’ll shoot an IM your way and hopefully you’ll be available to talk.
Bye for now, IA.
– Brandalf85
By: brandalf85 on October 26, 2011
at 11:18 AM
Hey Brandalfo!
There is much much more than what I wrote about my relationship with B. I just had a few minutes while at work and decided to type up a lil something.
Things between B and I are more than just feelings.
And I would like to talk to you on AIM sometime. I’ll just have to try and remember to turn it on more often.
Hope you are doing well.
By: iceangel16 on October 26, 2011
at 10:59 PM
Septastic–just wanted to remind you that *I* love you. You are an incredible woman, and I am so blessed to have you call me “friend.” I certainly do not deserve you, but I thank God for you. I’ll tell you what I told you before, because I think it’s true–no one can tell you whether you’re in love; you have to determine it for yourself. And…if I could persuade you to think about Jane Austen once more…not everyone experiences that “Woah, I’m in love,” realization the same way. Don’t expect your life to look like everyone else. Trust your gut. You’re a smart woman! And…I’ll always be here, cheering you on, hoping for the best that life has to offer, and supporting your choices! B is lucky to have drawn your attention!
<3,
sem
By: semmie on October 27, 2011
at 7:18 PM