The more things that happen in my life, the more I wonder about. And not just in regards to my life but to the way society views things as well.
For example, it seems (to me at least) as if we are warned by society to always follow our instincts when something doesn’t feel “right” or something trips in our brain saying “danger”. So, from a young age we are told to trust these feelings when something doesn’t feel right and if we follow our instinct, then we may not get hurt or just might be able to avoid something “bad”.
But what about when our feelings scream “this is a good thing” or “don’t give up on this because it will be great”?
In today’s world it seems that the focus is always on the negative, so when something positive comes along, it is hard to recognize it.
I am guilty of this.
For so many years I’ve dwelt on the idea that getting involved in another relationship would be bad because I would only end up getting hurt in the long run. And I can see now, that during that time, I wasn’t myself.
Normally, I don’t form of an opinion of someone until after I’ve gotten to know them a little. The only exceptions to this is when something deep within me screams “shady”. And even when that feeling makes itself known, I’d still get to know someone so that way I could validate what I was feeling.
So you’re wondering what is the point to this little commentary.
The way I wasn’t myself was because I automatically believed in the shady side of people and that any guy that would even express the smallest amount of interest was just out for one thing and it wasn’t getting to know me for me. And during this time, some of the guys that I went to classes with did flirt and then when a thin, big chested girl would walk by, they’d make comments like…”man she’s beautiful! I’d go out with her.” So that would solidify my negative thoughts.
But in reality, I’m pretty trusting upon a first meeting. And I stay trusting until you give me cause to dissolve that bond.
It is only recently that I’m beginning to trust again. And let me tell you…this is not an easy thing to do.
Sometimes if feels like I’ve been in a coma and have no memory of who I was (let’s face it, I still don’t know who I am) and I’m trying to gleam pieces of Jenn from what others tell me or recall memories of stuff we’ve done.
Sarah blogged recently about how she hopes that members of her family and friends will pursue the passions that God has given them.
Personally, I’d love to do this, but there is one small problem. I feel that I don’t have anything to be passionate about. Sure there are things that interest me, but nothing that I’m like a die-hard fan for. And in part, I think this is why I have such an issue finding a job that I could turn into a career and love doing. Sometimes I wonder if I am even passionate about anything. It is like I’m dead inside. I wonder if that feeling will ever go away.
So lately I have been thinking about my life. And I have been feeling really worthless.
I mean, I have a bachelor’s degree in political science and a minor in history, both of which are useless when finding a job. If I wanted to use my minor, the jobs I find are looking for individuals that have a bachelor’s or are history graduate students. Which I am neither. I can’t afford to go back to school either which doesn’t help matters.
Then add in the fact that I work forty hours a week and I can’t afford food.
I thought that once people got out into the “real” world, that one would graduate from high school/college, get a job, pay bills, and that same person would be able to support themselves. In my case, not so much. I fight so hard to make sure I have money set aside incase I need it and I am struggling so much just to keep my head above water.
Sometimes I wonder how much less I can eat per week to make seventy dollars worth of groceries to last longer than a month. But that would be pushing things towards the extreme I think.
Then I think about some of my co-workers that are in their early to mid twenties that live with their parents, don’t help with the grocery bill and the only thing they have to worry about is their cell bill. I can’t tell you how often it pisses me off when those particular people bitch about how they wanted to get this item or that and couldn’t because they didn’t have the fifty dollars for that pair of shoes or something. At that point I want to smack them.
I guess I just don’t know what I’m suppose to do with my life and it is really bothering me.
This past weekend I went home to visit my family and the feeling of being worthless and purpose-less was just magnified.
My nephew wanted me to bring him back to Michigan with me. And when I asked him what he’d do while I worked all night, he said “I’d run the hotel”. That made me smile. But then that made the thoughts of how I’m the only childless person in my family come flooding into my mind. Those thoughts cut me so deeply at times that I wonder how I’m even able to function.
Could it be that my purpose in life is to suffer?
Because that feels like the only thing I’m good at…is suffering.
I just wish I could be shown a glimpse of what I’m suppose to do with my life.
Hope everyone has a good week and weekend.
