Posted by: iceangel16 | June 22, 2017

Ready For An Update?

A lot has happened since I last blogged in 2014.

Toward the end of 2014 and into the Spring of 2015, I remember having discussions with my best friend Sarah about my relationship with B.

B and I had been dating since July of 2011 and things seemed to be in a holding pattern.  I began asking the question of, how long do you stay in a relationship if it isn’t moving toward marriage.  Sarah’s response was that I needed to talk to B about where he saw the relationship going.  I remember sitting on the couch in his on campus apartment and having that conversation.  After the conversation, I found out that B was thinking of marriage and I was settled knowing that our relationship goals were the same.

It is now July 17th, 2015 and I redeemed some comp time to leave work early because B and I made plans to have a nice steak dinner.  I leave work, change, get to B’s on campus apartment to start making dinner.

The steaks, baked potatoes, salad and dessert are done and B and I are  standing in the kitchen.  I made a comment like I think we’re all set and give him a hug.  In the middle of the hug, B made a comment like…”we’re forgetting something” and I thought, what more do we need?  We already had a ton of food, what more could he want.  Then he said, “will you marry me?”  My face was in his chest because we weren’t done hugging yet and I was like…huh?  Then I looked up at his face and he asked again if I’d marry him and while I was saying yes and wondering if this was really happening, he pulled a little gray box from behind my back and opened it.  There was a silver Celtic Claddagh with a small garnet and sapphire inside the heart.  We were engaged!

We started planning our wedding during the following months and on June 11th, 2016 we were married at Heritage Hill State Park in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

When B and I were planning the wedding, we wanted to have it where we currently live.  But we both knew that family members (and we’re talking immediate family) probably wouldn’t attend if we had it “here”.  So we decided on Green Bay because it was a half way point for us and his family to travel.  And since my family was in the area, we knew they’d show up.

We were lucky enough to get the venues we wanted for the day we wanted.  During the planning stage, we did a lot of research to find places that wouldn’t break our budget because we paid for the wedding ourselves.

Our wedding day was the in the high 80’s to the mid 90’s and sunny.  The ceremony was early in the day and there was a breeze with low humidity.  It didn’t feel hot in the church or even outside during the picture-taking.  Which was great because if it was hot and icky, we would never hear the end of it.

The dinner and dancing went well.  The cake cutting and serving was disappointing.  I ended up serving our wedding cake to our guests and at some point B did the cutting.  We had asked some people for help, but they stopped after a few slices.  Some of my older cousins even helped by slicing some cake.  I just felt really bad about that.

So, after everything was all said and done, B and I realized that our wedding really wasn’t ours.  We planned our wedding around our family.  I can’t speak for B, but there were times that I felt like I was just going through the motions of wedding stuff.  Looking back, I didn’t have that “magical” feeling when picking out a gown or anything like that.  Sometimes I wonder if I got the right wedding gown.  It is pretty, but I’m not sure if it was me.

Now for a quick tangent for a later tie in….

Things with my half-sister are not any better.  It has been 2 or 3 years since our falling out has happened.  I am beyond done with hoping for a reconciliation and I’m ok with that.  So, when it came time to compose the wedding guest list, I did not want her there.  But my Mom made me invite her.

Back to our wedding day…

It is time to take pictures and I had said that I did not want my half-sister in the family photos or in photos of the bride/groom and siblings.  Seeing as how she was an unwanted guest….she was also included in pictures….even after I objected time and time again.

While at the reception…dancing…what have you my Mom, half-sister and sister never moved from a particular spot.  They never even came over to B and I after dinner to say hi or how are you or anything like that.  My sister and half-sister didn’t even hit the dance floor….until I wasn’t on the dance floor and running around serving cake.

I later found out that my half-sister was moving to Alabama.  And the way my Mom and sister acted, they used OUR wedding as her going away party.  Which those actions hurt far more than words could ever express.

This blog is long and there is more to this update, but I’ll have to save that for later.

Hope all is well.


Take Care!


Posted by: iceangel16 | October 11, 2014

Is This What Kay and Lois Meant?

Let me take you back to 1999 or 2000.

The church I was attending invited two prophets to speak to the church, their names were Kay and Lois.

Kay and Lois were to speak at the Saturday and Sunday services and at the end of the service, those that were interested could come up to the altar and see if God had a message for them.

At the Saturday night service, my friend Sarah encouraged me to go up and see if there was a message for me. I didn’t go because I was nervous and didn’t really know how to feel about getting a message or something from God.

It is the end of the Sunday service and I’ve been sitting in the sanctuary waiting for Sarah to be done playing the piano while Kay and Lois prayed over people and then they make the announcement that if no one else wanted to be prayed over, then they’d be finished. Nancy, who was taking notes for those being prayed over, then said that Kay and Lois needed to pray over me. So, I went up to the altar and was nervous….like really nervous. I didn’t know what to expect and it kind of freaked me out that some strange women could know something about me after never talking to me and stuff.

Kay and Lois prayed over me and said that I love with Jesus’ love. They prayed more but for some reason, that line has been in my mind a lot lately.

Stay with me here, I’m going somewhere with this I promise.

Let me fast forward to this year on my birthday September 16th.

As you know, things with my half-sister and I are not good. She insulted my father and pretty much has persuaded our mother to take her side in all things. In a nut shell, it feels like she has picked her family members and I’m not on the list.

But that is not the point.

My sister’s birthday is in the beginning part of September, on the 8th and my half-sister wished her a happy birthday on a social media site and gushed her well wishes on her.

Then it was my turn in the birthday line….I got nothing from my half-sister. Not one thing on the social media site, no text, no phone call…nada.

So on her birthday, which is at the end of September, I wished her a nice birthday on a social media site.

I struggled with wishing her a happy birthday. On one hand, I want to be so mean and convey the message that you ignore me, then I’ll ignore you and that you are nothing to me. But then on the other, even though I’m hurting because of her actions, I still want to let her know that I’m thinking about her.

So what does this have to do with the prayer from 1999 or 2000?

Then it dawned on me…a possible connection.

Perhaps the reason why I’m secretly hoping that one day things between my half-sister and I will be ok is because I love with Jesus’ love.

Let’s think about it for a few minutes.

Most people if they had a family member walk away from them would do the same and not look back. They’d have the attitude of the prodigal son’s brother, why welcome him back after he scorned you and disowned you.

But that father and our Heavenly Father have a different attitude. That attitude is one of you left, but you came back! Let us be happy that we can be together again and rejoice in the love of family!

How many times do people turn from God and His love? But whenever His children wander and get further from Him, He still loves His children. Just because those children are rebelling or walking away from Him, it doesn’t mean that He gives up on His children. God is love. And I think that He watches His children and always hopes that one day they’ll come back to Him, no matter how long they’ve been apart.

I think that is why I keep an ember burning for my half-sister. Even though she can be hurtful and reject me as part of her family, there is a part of me deep down that our family will be repaired. Just because my half-sister is being a brat, it doesn’t mean that I no longer love her.

Is this what Kay and Lois meant that I love with Jesus’ love?

This is a heavy blog….I know, weird huh.

But sometimes deep thoughts need to be expressed and pondered out loud…or in text.

So now that these thoughts have been voiced, maybe now they can stop rattling around in my head.

Hope you are doing well and that you enjoy your day.

Take Care

Posted by: iceangel16 | August 23, 2014

Seriously?! Enough Already!

This is getting beyond ridiculous.

A year ago I my half-sister disrespected my Dad. She called him a dick in front of me while him and my Mom were at church. Then once I told my Mom what happened, she took my half-sister’s side and then in December, she left my Dad alone during Christmas.

So that is the quick re-cap of what happened with my half-sister. To this day, we don’t talk and I’ve pretty much disowned her. But there is a small part of me that is hoping that she’ll apologize for saying the shit she has. As much as there is that tiny ember of hope that glows, I won’t hold my breath.

There is a social media phenomena going on right now about the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. My youngest half-niece took the challenge and donated twenty dollars to the cause. She then in turn challenged my sister and youngest nephew. I didn’t expect a challenge from my half-sister and her family, but what happened next hurt me.

My sister and nephew posted their ice bucket dumping on a social media site and when it came to them challenging others….I was not mentioned. Out of all my family, I would have never thought to be disregarded and forgotten by my sister.

Do I want to take the challenge?


The more I hear about how potential treatments are tested on animals and that stem cells are used in research, I don’t want to support that.

I can hear you now, what is the point?

The point is…my family seems to not want me.

I cannot even describe the pain I feel right now. I have put my education on hold for my family because they needed a baby sitter or someone to take my Mom to the doctor when she wasn’t allowed to drive after surgery and stuff like that. I’ve defended family members and put them first…only to be cast aside like an outdated object that has out lived its usefulness.

I would really like to know what the fuck I’ve done to deserve being treated this way.

Every time something like this happens, pieces of me die. At this rate, I’m not sure there is much of me left.

This entire thing makes me want to cry.

I am lost as to what to do now.

I cannot take much more of this type of rejection.


I think it is time for a nap or something.

Take Care.

Posted by: iceangel16 | May 11, 2014

Having A Hard Time

Today is Mother’s Day and I’m having a hard time.

Yesterday a co-worker got married and B couldn’t go with me.

It was difficult for me. I was sitting there at the ceremony, surrounded by people with their spouses and/or children.

Then it hit me…I’m neither married or have kids. Normally, I can deal with those things but with Mother’s Day just after a wedding, that combo wasn’t good.

Let me back up for a moment.

On Friday night, I saw something on my Facebook page that angered me. I won’t get into what it was, but prior to reading that post, there was a part of me that was hoping for some sort of reconciliation with a specific individual. The words I read totally cleaned the slate of forgiveness.


What is it about me that secretly hopes for people to change his/her selfish behavior and actually be a friend, family member, someone who gives a fluffy cloud about someone other than themselves? Why is it that I am hopeless about having a crappy situation work itself out and things can be repaired?

Am I weak for this? Sometimes I feel like this is a weakness that will always hurt me. Wish I could turn this off.

Now…back to Saturday.

So I’m sitting by some co-workers at the wedding ceremony and all I can think about is how I wish B was with me. Then as I sat there waiting for things to start, the overwhelming realization of not being married hit me. At that moment, I wanted to bolt for the door and go somewhere to cry. As my co-worker walked down the aisle, I had a hard time keeping the tears back. The feelings that hit me were so many and all at once that it is difficult to explain how I felt. The only thing I can say is that a deep longing for so many things that it is just one big massive ball of….longing!

I didn’t attend the reception until after B was off of work. I felt so awkward and alone that I wasn’t going to attend without him. We were greeted by some co-workers and then we found a table and sat. We listened to some music for a while and then let. But while we were there B and I started talking about “when” or “at” our wedding we could do this or that. So that was nice because we’ve talked about stuff like that before, but perhaps some of my chaos mass of feelings has something to do with waiting.

After trying to get over the disappointment of Friday’s comment, the struggle with multiple feelings on Saturday, I was hoping for Sunday aka Mother’s Day to be low-key.

Nope, forget that.

I saw another post of Facebook that send me into a deep state of sadness.

Someone that I am close to wished all the mothers a Happy Mother’s Day. That post isn’t a bad thing, but this same person liked my status about wishing all women out there a Happy Mother’s Day because every woman is a mother, regardless of if they gave birth to a child.

This is something that I struggle with. Society and people close to me seem to think that if you don’t give birth to a child, you are not a mother. I can remember when I dropped EVERYTHING to take care of my nephew because child care was an issue. And this is when I was taking college classes. What about that doesn’t say “mom”? Whenever my nephew would ask a question and then start with the whole “why” thing after each answer, my sister would get frustrated with him after a few times. But when he would do that with me, I’d answer him each time and if I didn’t know the answer I’d tell him that I didn’t know but that I would try to look for the answer. He would then stop the “why” game. What about that doesn’t say teaching/nurturing and “mom”? But I’m just an Aunt and because I don’t have kids, I’ll never understand what it is to be a mom.

Combine all these things from this weekend and I am so unhappy.

All I want to do is cry. It seems like nothing will cheer me up.

I guess disappointment weighs heavy with or on me.

It is just so difficult dealing with disappointment. Especially when people who are suppose to be close to you are the ones that disappoint. I just wish that I knew how to deal with this better, but I don’t and the struggle with continue.

The long and the short of it the whole situation sucks.

Sorry to bum you out on your Mother’s Day.

Hope everyone out there has a good week.

Take Care

Posted by: iceangel16 | January 19, 2014

This Keeps Happening

For the past few weeks a theme has been popping up more and more with me.

The theme is or deals with me not belonging.

The past few weeks at work have not been good.

I have a co-worker that blames me for her not knowing about our snow day policy. Truth is, the change in policy has been drilled into us since January of 2013, but yet it is my fault that she didn’t show up for work. So on the 13th, she pretty much ripped me a new one for thirty minutes stating that my passive-aggressive behavior towards her does not build the team. Then this same co-worker decided to point out little mistakes in front of the whole board about the last month’s minutes. Which is funny because she could have come to me and had me make those changes two to three days before the meeting. In other words, she is pointing out tiny things in front of people other than our boss to get back at me for something that wasn’t my fault. Seriously….if you had questions about snow days, then she should have called my boss to clarify. And if you want to talk about passive-aggressive behavior, let’s talk about YOUR behavior towards me. But whatever, I’ll be civil towards you and that’s it. Oh and don’t worry, just as soon as I can find another job, you won’t have to worry about me and my passive-aggressive behavior.

Not only has that happened but now upper management has decided that I will be the only one giving the store manager breaks, since it is in my job description. So, with recent schedule changes, they wanted me in my office more but with me covering the store…the grand total of “extra” time I get in my office is one hour. That is right….ONE. *sigh* So my boss sent me an email stating that she doesn’t want lunch hours to become an issue and that it is my job to cover the gift shop when the store manager goes on break. Fine, but then do NOT come bitching to me when I am not in my office enough. YOU just tacked on another hour of me being outside of my office for multiple days out of the week. Whatever, I’m done with this.

Speaking of my boss….

During a combination birthday celebration and going away party for some of my co-workers, my boss made the comment to me about how before she retires, she wants me to feel like I am part of the team.

Truth is….I’m not part of the team and I don’t think I will be.

Here is why.

Everyone there is an artist, mother, wife or creative in baking/decorating. I am not.

I have no artistic talent in me. I can’t draw, paint, sculpt, carve, knit or even make a greeting/birthday card. And yet, I’m suppose to fit in.

I’m also not a wife or a mother, so that leaves me in the odd person out category. Sure I’m dating someone and he’s great, but dating does not mean married.

My co-workers are also all sunshine and Indi rock. I am Gothic and hard rock.

So….long story short, I don’t fit in.

I don’t seem to fit in anywhere! Where does that leave me in terms of employment? Life in general?

Sometimes I feel like opportunities that could have made me happy have been taken from me. For example, I feel like I should have been in the military. But due to health issues, I couldn’t enlist. Oh well…just another opportunity lost.

Another venue where I feel like I’ve missed a calling…dancing.

I love to dance! Feeling the music move you and just being part of the music in way that is…..personal and expressing that through movement…it is just hard to describe. But I didn’t have options to explore the world of dance and the different forms there are. My Mom didn’t want to run to dance recitals and practice, so whenever the flyer came out to sign up for dance, she just threw them away. Then add into the picture that I was over weight and fugly when I was in school, I wouldn’t even have been seen during performances.

When my friends in high school would go to the under twenty-one club and talk about it, I was interested. I remember going with them and just loving the club scene. Then I went to a club after I turned twenty-one and danced like I did in high school. I had fun…until some guy started mocking my dancing…so I stopped and since then I haven’t danced. Ok…I danced one time here in the city but I wasn’t free. I restricted my movements and just danced like everyone else. I didn’t like that at all.

I miss feeling like I’m part of something…something great and wonderful. I just wish I knew where I belonged.

I don’t think I can take much more of feeling like I belong and then have the rude awakening that I don’t fit in.

There probably isn’t anywhere I belong.

I will always be the odd person out at work and I’ll never fit in.

So where does that leave me?

It feels as if I’ll forever be going from job to job and just being “content” because there is no “dream job” for me. I have lots of interests but no talent.

I’m just so tired of this.

I’m going to stop this before my ramblings get worse.

Take Care

Posted by: iceangel16 | November 29, 2013

Why Now?

Well, hello again.

It has almost been a year since I’ve blogged last and many things have happened.

B moved up here in August to attend college and we spend as much time together as we can.  Sometimes it isn’t easy trying to mesh class and work schedules but we make it work.

I still volunteer for cleaning the cat condos at Pet Smart every Saturday.  I enjoy my Caterdays.  It is the one day a week where I feel loved by just showing up.

So…now to dive into the start of all the thoughts and bad mojo that has been swimming in my head since the end of August.

It was move in weekend at the college, which means crazy out-of-town drivers and crowded tourist areas.  B and I had discussed getting out-of-town because he wanted to have a quiet weekend before he started classes.  So, we made plans to visit my parents because it was close and if we wanted to go into G.B. we could to relax and stuff.  So, I had called my mom ahead of time to let her know that we were coming for a visit.  She informed me that my older half-sister would be there as well because she had a family wedding and family reunion that weekend.  Ok, not a big deal.

I had not seen my older half-sister since 2007 and we hardly spoke on the phone in the past six years.  It seemed that no matter how many times I’d call, she never had time to talk to me…not even for five minutes.  So, I thought that by us being in the same house at the same time, we’d have a lot to catch up on….especially since we both had new jobs and stuff.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.

B and I arrived and everyone was sitting at the table, except Kathy (that’s my half-sister).  I introduced B to Jay, Kathy’s husband and B said hello.  I then put our stuff in my room and found Kathy and my niece in the den putting a video game away.  When I exited my room, Kathy said hello and gave me a quick hug and then went into the kitchen, where she introduced herself to B.  After that, I made food for B and me and while it was cooking, Kathy talked about who’d her family would see at the wedding and the reunion, her job, stuff that her and my mom did earlier that day and that was pretty much it.  I’d interject comments from time to time and even asked questions to try to engage her about asking about stuff that was going on with me.  I mean…this is the first time that she met B and I could really see ourselves together…and she is not interested or curious?!  After an hour or two of being at the house, then Jay started asking B about where he is from and stuff.  Other than that….it all went back to Kathy, her work drama and HER family wedding and reunion.  Kim (my younger sister) came over with Hayden (my nephew) after her softball game and she spent a little time with us…but she pretty much talked to Kathy and her conversational topic was the softball tournament she was in and when her games were on Saturday.  That was the only time I saw them that weekend.

It is now Saturday early morning and I can’t sleep.  Something isn’t sitting right with me and it was there when B and I went to sleep Friday night.  I believe it was the massive amount of disappointment that I felt at the lack of interest Kathy showed in my life and the people I consider important.  It is around 6:30am and I’m watching a cat show on Animal Planet and Kathy pulls a kitchen chair into the den to watch with me.  We do the normal good morning exchanges while sipping on coffee, but when we talk…it is about the kitten breeds that we find cute on the show.  I tried to move the conservation to more personal topics thinking that she might start asking questions about B and I…nope…nada.

Move forward to lunch with Kathy’s family, Mom, Dad, B and me.  We are all gathered around the table and the conservation is again on the wedding and family reunion Kathy will be attending.  SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!!?!  There are other people at the table and some of us are really freaking sick and tired about hearing about YOUR family this…YOUR family that.  OY!  Things are being cleared off the table and then Jay asks how B and I met.  So I started telling the story and not even half way through, both Jay and Kathy started having a convo between the two of them about work.  So, I stopped telling the story and I was instantly enraged!  But wait…this gets better.  After disregarding an answer to their question, Jay asks if B and I are living together while he’s attending classes.  Uh…wait a minute here.  You don’t give a fluffy cloud about how we met, but now you are interested in whether or not we’re living together?  O.o  With each passing minute, I’m getting more and more angry.  I answered the question with he’s living on campus and we’ve discussed the option of living together but nothing has been decided yet.  After the answer, they started getting ready for the wedding which was three hours away.

When Kathy left for the wedding, I sought out my Mom to talk to her.  When I explained to her that I feel like Kathy doesn’t care about anyone other than her family functions, she defended Kathy!  My Mom said with the few questions she asked that she is trying.  Let’s just keeping adding to the disappointment pile.  You’d think that if you haven’t seen your sister in six years, you’d have a ton of questions or at least try to talk about something other than YOUR family functions.

Again I am up early and it is Sunday morning.  Mom and Dad leave for church and I’m sitting at the kitchen table in the silent house.  I am trying to figure out what the hell is going on.  It isn’t easy to process how self-centered someone can be when you’ve heard through the grapevine that “oh I miss her” and then when you’re in the same house, dismiss “her”.  Or did Kathy say that she missed me because it is the thing to say when you haven’t seen your sister in six years?  Shortly after my parents left for church, Kathy and Jay woke up and joined me at the table.  I really didn’t want to be alone with them…at all.  But I was lucky because B woke up and came our shortly after that.  As we were discussing some of our favorite comedians, out of the blue Kathy calls my dad a dick.  It took every ounce of my being not to beat the crap out of Kathy with that comment.  What the hell is wrong with her?!  I don’t care who the hell she is…she should know that you don’t insult MY family.  I am the type of person that I will be the most loyal, defend you with everything I have and the best ally you could ever want.  But if you cross me, I am the worst enemy you could ever encounter.

The entire drive back to Michigan I pretty much bitched about the weekend to B and tried not to cry while driving.  There was so much disappointment, anger and heart-break that even today…it is hard to explain.

About a week after the whole weekend, I called my mom to explain that I’ve drawn a line in the sand with Kathy and it would take a lot for me to erase that line.  I was calm when explaining things to my mom.  I didn’t raise my voice or anything because I had processed my feelings and made my decision.  Then it happened….my mom defended Kathy’s comment and told me what happened the Friday they arrived for her to make that statement.  I was silent for a minute.  I couldn’t believe that my mom was defending a hateful comment about someone I care about.  Everyone has the capability to be a dick…but to defend that comment….*screams*  Then to top things off, Kathy left a comment on my Facebook page which would spark the airing of family drama….on my BIRTHDAY!  *headdesk* So now Mom is disappointed in me because Kathy is “trying” and I’m like…that’s it we’re done.  *sigh*

Now…to a little bit more current events.

Kathy has to have surgery and my Mom is going to go to Chicago to help her out while recovering.  I am ok with that because everyone needs help when recovering and stuff.  But my Mom will be ditching my Dad for Christmas.  I am now beyond angry with my mother.  My Dad’s father died on Christmas Eve morning in the early 90’s.  So, she’s leaving him….alone…during a time when he probably plays that day over and over every year.  With the date of the surgery, it does not warrant my mom being in Chicago for Christmas.  I feel like this is a plot between the two of them.  But even if this were true, I can’t prove it and there isn’t anything I can do about it.  The saddest thing about this is that my mom is so close to being in the “we’re done” boat, especially since I thought we were close.

Growing up all I ever heard was “don’t be like Kathy”, so I made sure I wasn’t like her.  Later in my life, Kathy realized that she screwed up with Mom somewhere and decided to take my Mom to Chicago for weeks at a time.  This was when my younger sister and I were 12 to 14.  Pretty much we needed my Mom around in the summer.  Then when my younger sister started smoking in middle school, my Mom would call her Kathy Number 2.  So, yet again…I strived to not be like Kathy.

But this isn’t all of the story.

After interviewing my Mom for a college class, I realized something and it is painful.  When she divorced Kathy’s dad, she didn’t want anymore kids or to date.  The man she loved broke things off with her because her mom and brother threatened to disown her if they married.  So, she lost the love of her life and only married my dad after Kathy’s because of my grandmother (her mom) pressuring her to have a father for Kathy.  Since my mom was pregnant with me before she got married to my dad, she sends off the impression that I’ve trapped her into a marriage that she didn’t want.  It feels like if I wasn’t going to be born, that she would have called off the wedding and have been fine with that decision.  So…I feel like I am the reason for her unhappiness.  And my younger sister feels like she was never wanted.  But the truth is, my Dad wanted my younger sister and I.

*takes a breath*

Now that you know what’s been going on, I’m going to try to visit my Dad for Christmas…and I don’t care that my Mom won’t be at the house.  I will also tell him all the stuff that has happened since August.  I’ve struggled with the decision to tell him what Kathy said or not.  So I want him to know that my not visiting has nothing to do with him but everything to do with the events that have happened.

I swear, my life could make a good family sitcom/drama.

So, as Thanksgiving came closer, I started thinking about the things I’m thankful for.  I typically don’t do that…at all or ever have.

I am so blessed to have Sarah in my life.  She is the best friend and sister anyone could ask for.  When the stuff with Kathy went down, she reminded me that there are people in my life that love me and that I am worth fighting to have a relationship with.  Sarah also reminded me that I have a right to feel pissed off that my mom is ditching my Dad during the holidays.  Sarah really is a great blessing and I am glad that God made sure we were college roommates.

I am also grateful for B.  He didn’t bail on me after all of the Kathy stuff and when I cried in front of him (which I don’t like doing), he just held me and told me that the whole situation sucks but that he was here for me.  Anyone else probably would have dumped me and said that the family drama was too much.

I am also blessed to have Rachel in my life.  Even though we don’t get to talk much, she is always there for me when I need her.  Rachel is wonderful and I’m lucky to have her in my life.

So, that is just a quick little run down of what’s going on with me.

I just have to wonder why all of this is going on now.  I mean….I have a job that doesn’t make me want to drink or depress me.  I have a wonderful boyfriend that is supportive and caring.  So, things are going well for me…and then this crap happens.  *sigh*

Well, I will try to blog more but make no promises.

May your Holiday Season be filled with people who love you for whom you are, great friends, lots of love, warmth, happiness, joy, laughs and blessings.

Take Care

Posted by: iceangel16 | February 20, 2013

I Guess It Is About That Time

I know it has been a really long time since I’ve blogged last.

There have been so much going on that I haven’t really had time to sit and compose my thoughts.

The new job is going well.  There are a few things that irk me at times, but the drama and bad days are so few that it is hard to even remember them.

Things with B are good.  We have our rough moments but that is to be expected in a long distance relationship.  The good news is that B will be attending college in the Fall, so we’ll FINALLY be in the same area.  I think our biggest issue is that we both just want to be together so badly but can’t because of the distance.  So, maybe once we are in the same city….things won’t be so “rough”.

Now for what has been on my mind.  Fair warning….it isn’t pretty and is kind of sad and depressing.

Recently someone asked me about my childhood.  That question didn’t really bother me.  I mean, I’ve talked about it before and stuff.  So, I told this person a little bit about my older half-sister and younger sister.  After I finished explaining about my sisters, the same person asked me about childhood friends.  The friends I had would always pick a fight half way through the school year and then spread rumors about me, but we’d all “make up” a few months before the end of the school year.

When I explained about the fights, this person made the following comment, “it must have been nice to have a sister have your back during that time”.  It was at that moment that I realized my younger sister, never had my back.  She always sided with those that attacked me.


That comment got me thinking about my sisters.

My older sister was a rebel, but she had no problem grabbing the attention of guys.  My younger sister has always been pretty.  Then there is me.

There is a part of me that knows that I shouldn’t measure my “beauty” by my sisters, but I can’t help it.

I can’t see anything attractive in me.  Whether it is physical or “inner” beauty.

I can hear those of you that know me groan and start telling me through the computer all of the things that are beautiful about me.  But you say that because you have taken the time to know me.  But it would be nice to feel like I am beautiful.


And the feelings of not belonging are still with me.

They seem to be around more since I work with a bunch of married women and mothers.

It is like no matter where I turn, I’m always being slapped with ideas, concepts, or titles that I don’t have.  The phrases that keep coming to mind are, “you’re not married, you wouldn’t understand” or “you’re not a mother, so it is different for you”.  And if by some divine intervention I become either married or a mother, then what won’t I be good enough for?

I’m tired of be substandard, but there isn’t anything I can do to change that condition.

I am easily replaceable in all aspects of my life.

These thoughts never go away.  They will always be around and I can only hope that they will go away.

Well, maybe I’ll blog sometime soon again.

Until then, take care.

Posted by: iceangel16 | October 23, 2012

5 Years and Not A Bloody Thing!

I shouldn’t be surprised really, but it still hurts.

For five years I have put my life on hold in regards to school so that I’d be available for whenever the hotel needed me.  I have injured myself for this place, gave up much-needed time, energy and rest for this hotel and after five years and four months of employment here, I do not warrant a going away party.

I have been a great employee for this hotel.  I have done everything this place has asked of me and yet I still get crapped on.

Since I have been here, there have been multiple going away parties held for other front desk staff that was leaving.  One happened to be around the time of Blake’s birthday, so his party consisted of cake and ice cream.  When Joel left, there was a potluck dinner.  When John left (for the second or third time) there was pizza at a front desk meeting and the general manager even stopped in to wish him well on his new job and stuff.  Then when Lars left, there was pizza at a front desk meeting too.  Jaime got a potluck party as well.  Chelsee’s party was a little different.  She had been here for three years and had to pretty much throw a temper tantrum just to get a cake and ice cream.

Technically, I could have thrown a hissy fit to hint that I wanted a going away party, but I thought that because of my dedication and service to this hotel, that the managers would host one.  Or at the very least order pizza for the last front desk meeting that I attended.

Hell, I gave this place a three-week and two-day notice so they could have ample time to find a replacement.

But because my supervisor pretty much dragged her feet in hiring, the new person only got two days of training with me.  Granted I took a week’s vacation which is part of my notice, but I didn’t know I was hired until after I had applied for the vacation time and the request was approved.


I guess this is just another example of how I try to see the good in people and hope that my jaded opinion of them can be cleared away with an act of appreciation.  To say the least, I kind of got a dishonorable mention at the last front desk meeting by my supervisor.  She pretty much just told everyone when my last day was and that was it.  She said it in kind of snarky manner too.  She didn’t wish me well or anything, she just said “Jenn’s last day is October 22nd”.  The only well wishes that came from the “desk” was when Whitney typed up the meeting notes and wished me well and made a sad face because I was leaving.

I do have to say though, that I got hugs from Tammy and Heather.  It is nice to know that there are a select few that will miss me when I’m gone.

I will keep in touch with a few people from the hotel though.  It will just be difficult trying to get together because of the messed up schedules and such.

Even though it hurts to know for certain that my time and contributions did not matter at the hotel, I must hold onto the happiness that leaving this place brings.

Since I’ve been hired at the history center I am happier.  I understand that I might just be in the “honeymoon” phase of a new job, but there is just something about the way everyone there is happy that I am there and stuff.  It is so weird to walk into a place where people seem to “want” you to be there.  It is nice!

I am excited about the new job and nervous.  There are some reports that I feel that I don’t have a handle on because I had very little training and wasn’t told or shown how to find certain numbers that are important.  But hopefully things will work out for me.

Well, I think I have gone on long enough about how I will always be underappreciated at the hotel but welcomed with a big hug at the history center.

Take care people and may good things cover your shoulders and keep you from harm.

Posted by: iceangel16 | September 19, 2012

I Am SUCH A Geek!

Monday September 17th, 2012 around 3:30pm I got a phone call from the Regional History Center to set up an interview.

Tuesday September 18th at 2:30pm was my interview for the office manager position.

All day I was so wound up it wasn’t even funny.  I couldn’t even calm down enough to take a quick nap.  Hell….even after the interview it took me hours to mellow out to the point where I could start to drift off to sleep.  And then you know what happened…my alarm clock went off.  So right now I am one extremely tired vampire.  Oh…and for those that are wondering…even after three cups of hot coffee, one twenty ounce bottle of Cherry Coke and 3 cups of iced coffee, the sleepy is still with me.

Moving on to the interview itself….

Let me just say that I don’t interview well.  I am usually so nervous that I get tongue-tied and have this queasy feeling in my stomach before, during and after the interview.  But this time…I wasn’t nervous at all.

Perhaps there was a feeling that I belonged at this place combined with the fact that I have so much office experience that it is insane and that I am an absolute history geek that the interview went well.

All of the questions that the interview panel asked seemed to be the “right” questions.  I was able to answer them all honestly and without any mumblings or unintelligible words.  For the first time in a long time, I even felt like I had a good interview.

Even though I feel that this was a good interview, I have to wait until Friday to find out whether or not I have the position.

But Kaye (the person I’d be working most closely with) said during the interview that she couldn’t offer me the position because it wouldn’t be fair for the others that have interviews scheduled, said that it was a good interview.  And when I mentioned that I am passionate about history and would help do research or anything else that was needed, she seemed extremely pleased.

She even took me on a tour of the history center, showing me the back rooms where historical documents and items are stored and prepared for exhibits.  Which that act alone almost made it seem like I had the job…but I’m trying not to get too attached in case that someone else gets the job.

It was nice though to have someone on the panel that graduated with a hospitality background.  So when I explained what “night audit” does, she was able to go into further detail for the others than what I could convey.  Because seriously, it is hard to explain all of the things I do during the night and make others understand unless they come in for one shift and observe.

The only down side to this job are the hours.  It is a full-time position, but only thirty-two and a half hours a week.  I’m not sure if I could live off of that.  I have a lot of expenses and working forty hours doesn’t even get me food.

Strange thing is, I was completely myself during the interview.  I wasn’t afraid to let strangers see how excited I get about history and being surrounded by it.  I showed passion for an interest and I am hoping that my display of enthusiasm for history will make me memorable and the best candidate for the office manager position.

So for those of you that have been keeping your fingers crossed, thank you!  Please continue to keep your fingers crossed and I’ll let you know the outcome as soon as possible.  For those of you that didn’t know this was going on, please send your good vibes my way….I appreciate it greatly.

Take care!


Posted by: iceangel16 | September 4, 2012

Quick Update and Stuff

I need to blog more but since it has been a crazy summer I haven’t really had the time to sit down and compose my thoughts.

There are just a few things I know for sure and here they are:

I am so tired.  And I mean this physically and mentally.

I don’t know what to do in regards to a certain situation and it is kind of disappointing me.  Because the longer I go without a course of action, the more I’ll end up beaten in the end.

I am extremely frustrated with not being able to find a different job!  The recent pay increase I got is really an insult, the proverbial slap-in-the-face if you will.  According to the “formula” I was suppose to get a three percent raise.  But when I figured out what the three percent would roughly equal, it wasn’t near what I got.

So long story short on the raise, work at a place for five years and get paid like crap.

Maybe now that things seem to be slowing down just a bit, I’ll be able to blog more.

But until I’m able to sit down, catch my breath and compose my thoughts, this update will have to do.

Hope everyone had a nice Labor Day and that the rest of his/her week goes well.

Take care.

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